Rock Bottom
by izzyred
Summary: Sora's past is a permanent fixture in his heart. But he won't address it, and he won't let it tear him down. He survives just fine that way - tricking others out of their money and selling himself when necessary. However, a certain redhead's pervasive presence is throwing him. How is this stranger evoking so much emotion? And what does it mean, if anything?
1. Off to the Races

**Warning:** Sex (so much sex) and drugs and violence. All the best things. A somber, pretentious atmosphere provided by this girl who thinks she's some kind of writer. Some weirdly gushy bits followed by some attempts at being funny. Song titles as chapter titles, as usual (because I haven't an original bone in my entire body). **TRIGGER WARNING:** rape, psychological abuse, and physical abuse. Please take note. Very important.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own jack SHIT.

**Title:** Off to the Races by Lana Del Rey

**Jessica would like you to note:** If anyone who has read my other stories is here reading this one, I just want to thank you so much, especially those of you who have written such sweet, helpful reviews, I seriously love you. I enjoy doing this already, but in those moments that it feels like I'm trying to punch through a brick wall as I search for the right words, I can always count on the knowledge that there are readers out there who are appreciative and critical in the best way to push me along. I love hearing critique just as much as gushing, so I welcome even seemingly harsh words (seriously). I'm doing this mostly because writing is something that requires a lot of practice (as do most things) and, of course, I'm a huge fan, so I hope no one feels shy in telling me that they think certain things I put out there are stupid (I know there are bits I don't realize are ridiculous until I reread them later). Anyways, I'll stop talking about that now and get on with this. c:

* * *

**Off to the Races**

Sora had been well groomed by a hard life.

He was well aware of this, and he used the numbness that pervaded as a result to his advantage. It was easy enough to score some cash hustling at pool or darts or poker, and if the need arose, he could sell himself off just as simply. There was no fuss in this kind of life. It was deceptively simple, and provided the illusion of happiness. Sora could drink and laugh and play games. He could have sex — and get cash — and he was completely free. In some ways, it was the perfect situation, and he saw neither the beginning nor the end to his engagements.

He prowled through the seedy Las Vegas nightlife like the predator he was, living off of the wrinkled 20s of bikers and drunk fools. He thought nothing of his detachment. He thought nothing of the moments in which he was forced to fend off attackers as the cold, night wind of the Mojave whipped through his hair. He thought nothing of scaring off over confident assholes with his switchblade. He thought nothing of his customers choking him, spitting on him, laughing. He thought nothing. He felt nothing.

But then, inexplicably, in the dead of night, he would be sitting outside with his head in his hands. His body would betray him and tears would pour and collect on his palms and his cheeks. He would taste the salt and laugh, and wonder why. He still felt nothing. He still thought nothing. Yet there was an enormous, gaping hole emerging within him. It was ever-present, but only made itself known on those rare occasions. It forced tears into his eyes, dragged him down into the dirt by his nape. And he would wallow and sob and spend several days just… dying. He would stare into space as he drank, he would cry and laugh simultaneously as he lay in the dirt, and he would float in his grief. And after it was all over, he was back at his game again, for months at a time. Hustle, sell yourself, repeat. Drink, give up, repeat. It was always the same thing, a comforting drum beat pounding through his veins.

And it all was going fine — perfect, even — until Sora had that one tough customer.

Pool was the chosen game, and winning was easy for Sora. He'd been playing since childhood, when his father had first dragged him into that sleazy biker dive and bet that his kid could beat anyone in the place. It had all started there. And he'd never lost.

This was true of his current game, which was going all too well… except that the lanky redhead he was playing was definitely catching on.

"You were fucking with me, weren't you?" the guy said, eyeing Sora as he lined up shot after shot and sunk the balls.

Sora played it cool and shrugged, missing on purpose and waiting several minutes as his opponent managed to put a few balls in himself. He missed a shot soon after he started his streak, however, cursing and watching with suspicion as the lithe brunet he'd been playing finished him off. He'd bet a lot on that game, unfortunately, and he parted with it reluctantly, still watching as Sora thumbed through the bills and smiled.

"Did you just hustle me, asshole?" he slurred, slamming his fists down on green felt and staring down the beaming brunet. "I demand a fucking honest answer here, okay."

Sora rolled his eyes and shoved the money he'd won deep into his pocket, prepared to fight the guy off if need be. However, he never liked making a scene. Plus, he frequented this particular biker bar too often to allow for the kind of suspicion this guy was raising. Several of the people around them had been targets before, after all, and the last thing Sora needed was their ire. He glanced around, noting that several other patrons were watching, and decided it might be better to drag the guy outside for the fight. Thus, he ended up steering the redhead by one elbow out into the shockingly cold desert night, sand and wind blowing past him as he stared down his most recent target.

"You're making a scene," he said calmly, poking the guy in the chest. "It's bad for business."

"So you _were_ hustling!" the redhead exclaimed, grabbing the finger still prodding at the flesh of his chest and yanking. "I want my money back…"

He trailed off as he and Sora stared at each other, green eyes locking onto blue like gears clicking together. And simultaneously, they shivered. Sora wasn't sure if the guy was feeling the same thing, but his hand was tingling, his whole body was tingling. It was radiating out from that spot where they were still connected, and it travelled fast down his spine from where their eyes were unwaveringly meeting. He couldn't tear his gaze away, either. Those eyes were life. He breathed in and smelled heat, flesh, metal. It was the perfect scent. He was practically drooling.

'What is this?' he thought, his body unwontedly relaxed and his skin heating up all on its own. 'Damn am I drunk? That's impossible, right?' His thoughts pulled him out of whatever state of hypnosis he'd fallen into, thankfully, and, as he regained his bearings, he figured it might be prudent to respond. It seemed strange after such a long pause, but Sora finally pulled his hand out of the guy's grasp, raising one eyebrow as he smirked.

"Are you prepared to face the consequences of those words?" he said quietly, palming the switchblade he kept up one sleeve.

The redhead seemed to process that for a moment, and a moment too long, at that, because Sora was at his throat immediately, a well-honed blade pressed against the near-translucent flesh of the taller man's neck.

"Because there will be consequences if you try to deny me what I fairly won," the brunet hissed, only intending to scare the guy off. However, it seemed to have no effect on the drunkard, whose level of inebriation was apparently overriding his sense of self-preservation. For a split second, he just stared wide-eyed at Sora, and licked his lips, his pulse quickening even as his body grew completely still. Then he did something Sora was definitely not expecting. And this, Sora reasoned, was why he didn't even realize it had happened until he was already pressed tight against the wall, both hands pinned above his head and a pair of lips connecting hard with his.

Normally, he would have struggled under those circumstances. In fact, he was certain he could wriggle out of the guy's grip easily enough, leave him with a pretty scar and emptied pockets, and spend the rest of his night with some casino rat for a decent sum. But… he lost all will to do any of this as _that kiss_ overtook his body. It shocked him for certain — if only because it was happening at all — but there was more to it than that… it was that same numbness, that same feeling of being overcome. He felt a shiver ripple from his neck and travel all the way to his toes and fingers, loosening his grip on the switchblade and sending it clattering against the asphalt. He hardly noticed, however, because everything seemed to have illuminated around a single point in the universe, and that point was right where his lower lip was being licked and bitten by a mysterious redhead. And then there was the gentle warmth of the man's palms against Sora's wrists. Despite how innocuous the touch was, and how rough it had been at first, it ignited a fire beneath the brunet's skin, setting his whole body to trembling. It had only become more intense since their brief moment of contact before, and he was having a hard time resisting the taste of the air between them.

"Fuck," the redhead whispered, his mouth still pressed against Sora's. "Oh my god."

Sora silently repeated both of these utterances as he was pushed harder against the wall and the redhead's hands moved from his wrists to his waist. His mouth remained close, but not quite touching the brunet's as he stared him directly in the eyes, his panting breaths matching the cadence of Sora's heart.

Sora felt something strange, then, and it was the first time he'd ever felt anything like it: attraction. In the past, he'd had almost no interest when sleeping with the guys he sold himself to, and he hardly ever kissed them. Furthermore, he never, _ever_, lost himself in what he was doing. He was always slightly on edge, aware, and ready for any sudden movements. That was the world he lived in. So he really couldn't ignore it when something so shocking happened. And he couldn't deny the synchronicity he felt with the guy pinning him against the wall. Nor the strange, bittersweet tug he felt in his chest each time they locked eyes and pressed their lips together again oh-so-slowly. He was intoxicated.

"You wanna come back to my room with me?" the redhead murmured, his green eyes surprisingly serious despite how drunk he certainly was.

It took Sora only a moment to breathe out a small yes, and they were off. One of the taxis that often lingered in the area picked them up immediately, and they both spent the entire ride in a tense, enthralled silence. And though it was only a short conveyance, it felt like they'd been staring at each other for hours by the time they stumbled through the door of the redhead's cheap motel room and fell breathlessly into bed.

He asked for Sora's name in a heady whisper, his tongue laving over the tanned flesh of the brunet's neck and chest as he answered in a gasp. And when the redhead said his name was Axel, Sora thought it was just right. He wasn't sure why, but it made sense just as inexplicably as everything else between them did.

Axel… it felt right as it slid down his throat and nestled up against his heart, seeping in deeper and deeper with each beat. "Axel," he panted, watching with hooded eyes as pale lips closed in on bared flesh, all the way down his body. "Axel," he moaned, thrusting up as he covered his eyes in shame, his body overcome. "Axel… please," he gasped, quivering and twitching now, practically shouting each time those fingers pressed deeper inside of him. "Now," he demanded, pushing Axel back, straddling him and kissing him hungrily.

"Yeah," Axel whispered against his mouth, biting back a moan as he slowly pushed inside.

"Axel," Sora said again, still kissing him.

"Sora-"

"Fuck." He wrapped his arms tighter around the redhead's shoulders, biting into the flesh of his neck.

"Ung, Sora…"

There was a rushed thrust, then a pause as they both quivered, anticipating how rough it was about to become. Sora continued to litter Axel's neck with bite marks, an occasional gasp susurrating from between his lips. Axel mumbled something desperate and shoved Sora down again, their bodies still closely melded as he pressed in further and rolled his hips forward. And Sora had never, _ever_ felt so helpless as he did then. Not in his entire life. He felt his head rolling to the side, his legs relaxing, opening wider to let that feeling wash over him more, deeper. He felt his mouth open and his eyes flutter closed and knew that he was making _so much damn noise_ but — god — he couldn't stop.

Axel wasn't even touching him, but he was shuddering, coming, and still moving his hips for more, needy, and drowning in the pleasure. The redhead's hands were moving over his skin, and it was so painfully slow he wanted to grab them hard and press them everywhere. He wanted that tingling touch on every inch of skin. His neck, his hips, his lips, were aching to be touched. His body was dying to be close to the other man's. He felt ravenous.

He grabbed the taller boy behind the neck and bent his body in a way he'd never dreamed possible. He did this just so they could be a fragment closer, just so they could brush their lips together, not even kissing, just feeling each other. He did this so he could grab at Axel's hair and squeeze his waist between his thighs and feel their sweat-slicked chests press together. And Axel was just as hungry, he knew, because every breath was his name, every thrust was urgent, the way his hands grasped and pawed and caressed was so full of longing…

Sora panted one last time into Axel's mouth, then pressed their tongues together roughly, moaning and rolling his hips up in perfect tandem with the redhead. He could feel how intensely close he was to careening over the edge. It was a constant precipice, and the only thing keeping him from plunging that distance was his desire to _keep feeling so fucking good_. However, he could only delay the inevitable for so long, and before he could attempt to regain control of his body, he became a drooling, coming mess just like that. Axel drew back to stare at his face as his cock twitched and the throes of orgasm turned him into a puddle, a groan and one final thrust punctuating the moment as the taller man reached his own climax.

Neither of them moved for quite some time, their skin still tingling in the afterglow and the air surrounding them full of that same strange, charged tension they'd felt the first time they'd touched. It only seemed natural, then, that they'd lay close and listen to each other's heartbeats. And it was all but expected that Axel would grab him when he did, lay a kiss on his forehead, and cradle him into a heavy, dreamless sleep. He hardly made note of the actions, in fact, as they seemed so perfectly fitting, like puzzle pieces dropping effortlessly into place. They were so synchronized that their heartbeats slowed to the same pace. Their bodies were so compatible that Sora felt no discomfort sleeping pressed against Axel's chest. And something in them was drawing them so close that, even as they slept, they sought each other out.

Sora thought he might burst from the soaring feeling in his chest. And when Axel murmured his name softly in the middle of the night, he didn't know whether to weep or shout.

And that was only the beginning.

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**End Notes:** So, the reason I started writing this instead of one of the billion other things I have planned is… well there are a lot of reasons. a) I can never stick to plans. At all. My other fics have all been planned out well in advance, and… they always end up derailing hard and going all over the place while I'm writing. That's just how it works. So the same is true in regards to what I choose to write. I always think "Oh, I'll do the crossover I've been planning for two years now that I'm finishing up SL2" but no. I had a flash of inspiration, and I typed out what will be chapter 4 of this fic in like… twenty minutes. I'm not kidding, it was so easy that I was just BAFFLED. b) I have been obsessing over the desert since I no longer live there. I went back recently and it just reinforced the image I've adopted of it, which is like… destitute, tragic beauty. It's hard to explain because I don't think other people see it that way, haha. It's such an awful region, overall, but I find that that just makes it more appealing, and more fun to write about. I like all the small details that make it beautiful to me. The wind, the sunsets, the great, big, emptiness of it all. Oh, and the nights. The stars are amazing. It's like gap moe* but for a place. Haha. c) I've been writing too much RikuSo and it's starting to annoy me. I just… I love Riku, but at the same time, I kind of hate him. So there's always a point in my stories where I'm thinking "And now it's time for Riku to be a fucking stupid shit baby dick again, because that's what he is with his stupid prissy face and his goddamn silver hair." I don't know what this love-hate thing is about, but it's STRONG and it makes it hard for me to keep on writing him without getting sick of it. This is, in fact, why Riku will not be in this story. At all. He doesn't exist even as a name. Nor does Roxas, for that matter. I don't have the same issues with Roxas (I love him entirely, he's my baby), but, I dunno, he doesn't fit this story for me. He doesn't belong in this one. This is gonna be ALLLLL Sora and Axel. Ok, Leon and Cloud show up too but that's it. No one else. d) I am starting to develop the urge to drift back into my real style, which I've been breaking out of purposely because I figured it would help me develop as a writer. But, honestly, my writing style is not fully expressed in my other fics because I rein it in, or water it down, or just throw it out the window and try to branch out. Thus, this might feel different in tone. Or maybe it won't. Maybe I failed in branching out altogether. Either way, I'll be going about writing this very naturally. ANYWAYS. This has been far too long of an end note, and I doubt any of you are still tuned in. If you are, thanks for reading (again) and I will be updating this fairly regularly (I always say that but I'm full of shit) I hope.

_*in case you don't already know and you're wondering what gap moe is, it basically means being attracted to something because of clear contrasts. Or finding a contradiction in characteristics attractive. Like if you met someone and they appeared all sweet and shy and nice externally and turned out to be really loud and harsh. The gap might be attractive to some. That's how I feel about the desert. It looks like a shithole, but there's some beautiful shit out there that seems to really contrast the image most people have of it. I hope that makes sense. _


	2. Fall Right In

**Warning:** Sex (so much sex) and drugs and violence. All the best things. A somber, pretentious atmosphere provided by this girl who thinks she's some kind of writer. Some weirdly gushy bits followed by some attempts at being funny. Song titles as chapter titles, as usual (because I haven't an original bone in my entire body). **TRIGGER WARNING:** rape, psychological abuse, and physical abuse. Please take note. Very important.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own jack SHIT.

**Title:** Fall Right In by Beach Fossils

**Jessica would like you to note:** I finally finished this. Jesus. Okay, I thought this chapter was going to take less time, for real. I'm full of lies. I always say I'm going to update faster and blah blah blah but no. Part of the problem is that I didn't really have a place to write for awhile because I was visiting home and I was sleeping on the couch and I need a lot of seclusion to write and so on and so on. Excuses, excuses.

* * *

**Fall Right In**

It should have felt the same. Sora was certain of it. It was _supposed_ to feel the same. But Axel wasn't looking at him like it did. No. His green-eyed stare spelled 'regret.'

He stood up and pulled on his jeans without thinking. He shifted his shirt over his shoulders and tried to shrug off the way Axel's gaze had pierced him — was still piercing him. He hunched forward, hoping to escape his tingling spine.

"Um…" he ventured, turning to glance at the redhead and to somehow make amends for whatever he'd done to earn that stare. "I-"

"If you're looking for payment, you already have all of the cash I had."

"Oh, well I wasn't…"

He trailed off and stared at the wall, letting his usual dispassion seep back in. 'God, this _must_ have been a dream. I must have imagined those feelings.'

He thought about walking out and never looking back, hoping that if he did it — if he just got out right then — he could seclude the memory deep in some dusty corner of his consciousness. It would always itch there, calling out to him to remind him that he wasn't happy or okay or alive, but he could survive like that. He could pile it up with those other glimpses he'd had into humanity, and he would get by. It would be fine with him if he had to give up every scrap of real emotion he'd ever felt as long as he never had to really face what Axel was and… wait, what was he? Sora had no clue. He wasn't facing it. 'It's not there, it's not there, it's not there.'

But even as he made this his mantra, Axel was staring, and his face was melting into an angry mask. He stood and Sora continued to watch him. He put on his clothes and glared back at the brunet, but neither of them said a word. They continued this impassive silence for far longer than appropriate, and then it was broken with a harsh "Fuck."

Sora flinched at the word and felt inexplicably guilty. He stared at the mush green carpet and flexed his toes, trying his hardest to sink down into them. He was having a hard time controlling his emotions, and it was, yet again, the first time in ages he'd felt so… filled. Filled with anything, really, aside from indifference or sadness.

"I can't pay you," Axel said blankly, and Sora nodded. He continued not to look at him.

"I… have to go-"

His voice cracked.

"You should do that."

Axel's shook.

"Okay."

He stepped into his shoes.

"Okay."

There was a moment longer of tense silence in which Sora thought they might look at each other and smile and end on a slightly better note; that their experience the previous night would come rushing back and fill them both with awe and wonder once again. But nothing of the sort happened. He just walked outside into the already blaring sun, stared open-mouthed at the buildings across the highway, then ambled slowly to his usual dive. There was no purpose to his movements, just a slow, plodding defeat the likes of which he'd never experienced before.

'Should I be counting all the firsts I've experienced since last night,' he thought, a grim smile on his face. 'There've been so many…' He ticked them off silently as he drowned himself in whisky. He stored them in a slightly more stable place in his mind, away from the cluttered, skeleton-strewn corner he'd reserved for warm, passionate things that shone too brightly to look at. He didn't acknowledge that those skeletons existed. They called enough attention to themselves anyways. 'I offered you a future,' whispered one. 'I offered you redemption,' growled another. 'I offered you…' The word was never uttered, but Sora knew what Axel's skeleton was offering, more in feelings than in words. He shucked that off with a roll of his shoulders and smiled at the barkeep, raising his glass for a refill. The woman rolled her eyes and topped him off briskly, flipping open the lid of a box under the counter with a pointed look.

"Your tab's up," she said, pulling out a wad of cash and peeling off a few bills. "And you should add your winnings from last night before you lose them."

Sora nodded and shoved his hand into his pocket as he gulped down his current drink. He pulled out the crumpled cash there and grimaced, remembering its origin. He felt better handing it to Joann, at least. She'd been more or less taking care of him, after all. Storing his money. Keeping him off the streets on the nights he was without a partner. Allowing him a place to earn money without a word. She was the only person he knew, and she was kind enough to put up with some degree of shenanigans without asking questions. They weren't close, but he valued the fact that that box under the counter had a place to call home, even if he didn't.

"Joann, you're a real keeper," Sora gushed, slumping forward and batting his eyes. "What happened to that husband of yours that made him think otherwise?"

She snorted and raised an eyebrow, silently nodding her head towards Breanna at the other end of the bar.

"Oh right," he chuckled, "lesbians."

"That's not it, idiot," she grunted, giving him a harsh noogie. "He didn't want to take her in, so I made him shove off." After a moment of calm silence in which Sora fixedly contemplated the bottom of his glass, she rolled her eyes again and swatted him with a rag. Silently, she indicated that she was cutting him off, yanking the glass out of his hand and stowing away the Johnnie Walker.

"Aww, c'mon," he whined, draping himself over the counter and ignoring the way his hackles rose as another customer sidled up next to him. "Joaaannnnnnnnn-"

"I see you're making a scene again," the guy said quietly, tapping on Sora's shoulder with deceptive gentleness.

"Huh?"

They faced each other and exchanged cold glances. 'A former victim, eh?' Sora thought, pursing his lips. 'He looks like he wants to beat the shit out of me.'

"I know what you do around here," the guy continued, leaning in. "All the hustling and cheating? You think you're clever don't you you little shit." Before Sora could flinch, a meaty hand was squeezing his jaw and his body was swaying to the side, nearly tumbling. The only thing that kept him upright in his sudden drunkenness was the tight grip now crushing his face. He made no move to get himself out of it, anyways. "I want my money back."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Sora murmured, gripping onto the guy's forearm and giving him a winning grin. "I hear that one all the time from big macho guys like you who can't handle their puny egos taking a bruising cuz they lost a game of pool to a skinny little whore. Usually they're more than willing to give that up when I have them coming all over my face-"

Stars. They filled his vision and continued to dance there even after his eyes fluttered open moments after impact. He'd been punched to the floor, though certainly not with much force. He'd already been halfway there on his own, so all it took was a good, solid slug and he was flat out. Still, he was grinning, blood filling in the gaps between his teeth.

"Ah, well," he grunted, pushing himself back up, "I guess that's not for you, then. Maybe just a quick hand job will tide someone like you over- WOAH!" He jumped back, laughing as the guy's fist narrowly missed his chin. "Yikes you were really going for it that time-"

"Give me my fucking money, whore," the man spat. But his voice was shockingly calm, obviously filled with more contempt than anger. For some reason, that pissed Sora off. Pretty massively, actually. He watched another punch slide towards him and decided it made him just angry enough to- _Snap_. They all heard it. All four of the other people in the bar, and especially the big guy, because his hand was now hanging limp from his crushed wrist, and his eyes were comically wide.

Sora laughed some more and slumped down against the bar as the guy yelled and everyone bustled around to help. Somewhere amidst the fray, he was shoved out the door by Joann with a stern look, and ended up jogging out into the empty desert to spin around and enjoy his inebriation.

His socks snagged against wiry desert bushes and he whistled and kicked, swinging his arms to propel him forward and giggling as he stumbled to the dirt. He laid there and cooked in the sun with little snorting laughs, letting the filth really settle in. It wasn't just that he was rolling around on the ground, or that he could now feel Axel's cum dripping out of him. It was a deep-set mold that was eating away at his soul that was really tainting him, killing him slowly like a spiritual sickness. He cradled his own head and prepared for the hole to open up and swallow him again, knowing that it was definitely coming, knowing that those skeletons would be laughing at him now. Not even his memories of tingling skin and too-hot kisses and gentle caresses could save him. Not even the deep green of Axel's eyes or the small tattoo on the side of his neck (now sporting a few bite marks alongside it) could redeem what he'd lost.

'What happened to me?' Sora thought, drifting in and out of consciousness. 'Why was I so taken by him? Why would I let myself go all weak-in-the-knees for some fucking… random, skinny, punk-ass stranger? He was just a lay. An amazing lay, yeah, but still just a lay, nonetheless. What does it matter that he kicked me out? What does it matter that he looked at me like…'

"Like a whore," Sora said aloud, laughing again and squeezing his eyes closed. The tears came unevenly from under his eyelids, and the laughter was just as erratic as his hiccups and choking coughs cut in. He was sure he could feel a scorpion crawling on him, but he didn't care. He was sure he was going to die of dehydration and exposure laying outside if he stayed there all night, but he didn't care. Whichever way he went, he deserved it.

'This is where I belong,' he thought, nodding and rubbing his eyes. 'In the dirt, bleeding and drunk and leaking cum like the used up whore I am. This is me.'

He continued to murmur that to himself even as Joann slung him over her shoulder and dragged him back to the bar.

"Yes it's you," she said to him over and over, wiping his face down with a wet cloth and staring at him with an unwonted amount of concern. "Honey… are you okay?"

He gaped at her, and nearly laughed again, though he managed to cut it off at just a bloody smile. He didn't want to offend her, after all. She had dragged his ass out of what was about to become a cold desert night, and she kept his box, and she always gave him a place to stay. "It's aaalllll gravy," he slurred, swaying to the side and swallowing down some blood. "I survived his punch, I survived an afternoon out in the sun on my ass, I survived a scorpion bite-"

"You were not bitten by a scorpion," Joann assured him, her voice soft. "And that's not what I'm talking about."

Sora leveled her with a cold stare — his signature one, at that — and dropped his chin on his fist. "When have I ever been okay since you've met me?" he said, laughing mirthlessly. "Honestly, I don't think I ever have been, or will be, so save your concern. It's wasted on a wad of discarded refuse like me…"

She continued to kneel next to him, giving him a pained look for quite some time before slowly retreating from the booth she'd dragged him to. She glanced at him occasionally as she served the steady flow of customers now making their appearance, her consideration disconcerting him. He stumbled away from her gaze, feeling odd, and stared at himself in the bathroom mirror for ten minutes, not sure what he was looking for.

'All of this is completely fucking ridiculous,' he thought. 'Pull yourself together. There's no reason for these fucking breakdowns.' Despite those words, he still felt incredibly uneasy each time Joann cast her doleful eyes on him, so he searched for a distraction, pulling a few bills from "the box" and going after a biker for a quick hustle.

It was his second game in, and he was playing his drunkenness up hard, leaving his opponent smirking and shaking his head, thinking he'd have an easy thousand in his pocket soon. It was the perfect setup, and he clicked into his role with such ease, it was comforting. 'This is me,' he thought again, sinking a ball and staring in wide-eyed shock. 'Play it up.'

The other guy frowned but showed no sign of catching on, even going after a tough shot deliberately and shrugging as he missed it. Sora went in for the kill. Three shots in a row. They weren't too quick, or too practiced. He fudged his alignment with the cue and still managed to sink them while looking a mess. He laughed and called it luck and… froze. His eyes locked on Axel, who was sitting so close by he wasn't sure how he'd missed him. He'd obviously been there for some time. He had an empty glass sitting next to him and another half-gone in his hand, and his eyes were zeroed in on Sora. They continued to have their little staring contest for another two minutes as the biker lined up two shots and missed the third. His distraction left Sora with barely enough time to resume his act, and by the time he turned and easily pushed the last few balls he had left on the table in, he was an actual mess.

His frazzled, frantic energy made his performance that much more believable, and he pocketed his winnings with absolutely no fuss, not even receiving a rematch demand as he so often did during these games. This was fortunate, as he knew that he had to get out. He had to get away from the piercing stare still following his back. He half-ran out the door with the intention of hailing a cab and riding to the strip. Picking up some vacationing asshole was his best chance, he didn't even care if they paid. He just had to escape Axel and all of the complicated magnetism that accompanied his presence.

"Wait."

The hand on his elbow was Axel's. Of course it was. The tingle of his skin told him so, the murmur of the man's voice was too obvious. He shuddered and nearly sunk into it again, the feeling dragging him down as though his survival depended on taking it in and letting it carry him away. Then he was pushing out of Axel's grasp, looking at him as squarely as he could and hoping for some sort of answer. 'Why is this happening?' he wondered, begging for some response. 'What are you doing to me?'

"Who are you?" Axel said quietly, reaching out and tugging him forward gently. He shuddered as he did, eyes narrowing. "Is this magic?"

"I don't know," Sora whispered, swallowing against the lump in his throat and trembling under Axel's touch. "But whatever you're feeling… I promise you, I'm not doing it, and… I'm feeling it too. I'm feeling something terrifying."

"Yeah," Axel grunted, his lips crashing against Sora's even as he attempted to continue speaking. "Why do I feel like this?"

"I don't know, I don't know," Sora whispered back, his tears salting their lips and tongues. "Stop doing this. I can't take it. Stop it."

"Yeah."

"Please, my heart is about to beat out of my chest…"

"Yeah."

The wind whipped past them but they hardly noticed, because, once again, their mouths were warm and wet and working against each other. Their soft gasps and pants were the only thing punctuating the air around them. Their heartbeats were completely in synch, pumping heady blood through their veins.

Axel breathed in heavily, whispering "Fuck," and moving back in for deeper kisses. "Come back with me again. Come back and figure this out with me, please. I can't take it."

"Yeah." Sora said it this time, smiling as Axel quirked his mouth at him.

"Such eloquent conversations we have," the redhead muttered, laughing quietly as he led Sora to the parking lot by one hand. "How sober are you?"

Sora thought about it, calmly recalling how much he'd had to drink and how long ago. "I should be 100% clean by now," he said, shrugging. "But why does that matter?"

"I may be a fuck-up and a derelict, but even I know better than to drink and drive." Axel tossed him a heavy set of keys and smiled, indicating an old black car parked in one of the unpaved corners of the lot. "So you drive."

Sora shook his head but didn't question it. He was tired of questions. There were no answers for any of them anyways, so what was the point? It just made his senses duller, and he wanted to feel everything. He wasn't sure what was going on, but he knew that much. He knew how much he desired those sensations as he drove and Axel leaned against him and fiddled with his hair. He could smell the need coming from his own skin as they entered the same sleazy motel room as before, crashing against the same bed.

"Wait," Sora muttered, glancing down at himself and noting how dirty he was. "I need to borrow your shower."

Axel seemed to contemplate this for a moment, then glanced down at his own body and shrugged, yanking the brunet by the hand and stripping him down without invitation as they moved towards the bathroom. "We both need it, I think," he said with a nod, "so let's conserve water…"

Sora considered protesting — considered, then moved on, because he was lost at sea all over again, and there was no fighting the current.

He found himself being handled easily enough. His will was completely drained by the sensation of Axel's hands on his skin. The minute he was undressed and standing under the stream of hot water with the other man, he became intoxicated. His breath hitched as he was kissed with surprising tenderness and he succumbed to the feather-light touches now tracing his sides, his neck, his hips, his lower back. It seemed that the redhead knew exactly where to place his fingers, just how to use his tongue, just how to press up against Sora to make the smaller man feel helpless and unbearably turned on.

He gasped into their kiss, then bit back hungrily at Axel's lips. The gentle ministrations continued, then heated up as they pressed a little closer, pushing their slick skin together a little more fervently.

Axel's hands moved slowly, everywhere. His mouth laid kisses down his neck, his chest, sucking water from his skin. His tongue swiped over Sora's nipple and there was a twinge in the brunet's stomach.

He breathed hard and bit Axel's ear. He clawed desperately at his back and moaned when three fingers began working inside him a little faster. His vision flickered. His breath was erratic, ragged. He felt like the steam rising around them was pumping through his veins, heating him from the core and melting his body into the one next to it.

Axel pushed into him and he moaned unabashedly, letting his head fall back against the wall as his toes curled in. The redhead panted against his neck and thrust into him again, murmuring out a small curse as he picked up the pace and bit into Sora's sensitive flesh.

"Axel," he moaned, leaning in to kiss the other man sloppily. The water nearly choked both of them, but neither could seem to muster any irritation at that. And even as Sora started to lose consciousness, he felt no desire to stop. Even as they both moaned one last time and reached that final peak, they felt no need to pull apart or leave the shower.

In fact, they stayed under the stream until it grew cold against their skin. They moved together desperately again and again until their fingers were pruny and their bodies were ragged.

And still, Axel wanted to carry on even after they'd left the shower. Sora had other plans.

"I'm so tired, Axel," he muttered, his lips parting as the redhead attacked his neck. "Please, I'm so tired. I nearly passed out in there."

"Sorry," the taller boy responded, still licking and biting and kissing away. "Sorry, I'll stop in a minute. I won't do anything more."

Sora sighed, but didn't argue, secretly pleased to have the attention; he couldn't deny how good it felt just being close to the other man.

"I feel like I should say something real to you," Axel murmured, letting his head flop against the pillow, finally. "We know absolutely nothing about each other."

Sora shrugged and yawned a bit, wriggling a little to get more comfortable. "Well pick something then," he murmured.

"Like what?" Axel's hand ran through his hair.

"Like… tell me about where you're from." Sora pressed up closer to his side. Then paused.

The redhead cringed in such a way that Sora knew not to prod at that subject again for the time being. Instead, he derailed that train before it got going and turned to look at the other side of the room, not sure why he felt compelled to speak. "I'll start then," he said quietly, breathing a sigh at the calming effect of Axel's hand running up and down his side. "I grew up in Vegas. Never been anywhere else. I don't know anyone here because my family life wasn't exactly functional, but… I have no escape. I have nothing outside of my life here, if you can call it a life."

Axel leaned over and kissed him softly, pulling him close and still rubbing his side. "And what about your family life wasn't functional?" he asked.

There was a pause, then a sigh from the brunet. It wasn't the time for that conversation. "I can't say."

Axel pulled back. "Sora-"

"It's too…" he glanced up at the ceiling, muttering to himself for a moment before turning back over to meet Axel's eyes. "I don't feel comfortable talking about that. I never have. And I probably won't be able to for a long time."

He didn't say it, but it was shocking enough as it was that he was saying even that much. Acknowledging that that past existed at all was quite a step.

"Okay," the redhead said, finally, nodding. "I can respect that. Especially since this is all so fucking weird and unexpected anyways."

Sora chuckled. "Yeah, well… yeah. It's weird, that's for sure. I don't know what's going on. Maybe we shouldn't even question it."

"At least not for now," Axel agreed. "But maybe after we've figured out some of this initial stuff, we'll look back and wonder."

"That's assuming we're still together." Sora smiled.

"Well, for now, it seems like I can't leave you alone, and you seem to be in the same boat."

"You're right," the brunet sighed, pressing close to illustrate the point. "But now it's your turn."

Axel made a small "hmmm" noise for a moment, then pressed his mouth against Sora's ear.

"Well, I've been traveling around this past year," he murmured, kissing the ridges of the smaller boy's cartilage. "I left home ages ago and settled with some people for awhile but… well, I felt like I needed to get out on my own. I didn't have a functional family life either, after all. So I came here, after a few other stops, and I've been hitting biker joints and wasting money on booze and cigarettes for months, doing nothing with my life."

Sora went still, then glanced up at Axel, wondering what he'd been through, what he was hiding. They both seemed to be equally lost and purposeless, and perhaps that was why they were aching for each other so deeply. Perhaps they could sense the emptiness in each other. 'It's like we're trying to fill this void with more emptiness.' He sighed at the desperation of that thought and waited for Axel to continue, but the redhead seemed to be finished. Neither of them attempted to reinstate conversation after that, probably equally lost in thought. It wasn't until he awoke the next morning that Sora realized that he was already more comfortable with Axel than he'd ever been in his entire life.

'I guess I'm fucked,' he thought, laughing quietly. That was the 13th "first" he counted.

* * *

**End Notes:** This story hasn't had many reviews but those that have been made are so super sweet. I love you guys and I hope you continue to enjoy. I'll try not to disappoint. Also, I had this typed out for SO LONG just… minus the sex scene. It takes time to write sex scenes, tbh. More time than the rest of the story, for some reason. Therefore, I had this for like… almost a month, and then I finally wrote the sex scene and posted it. I feel bad but it was so HARD this time. My bad :c


	3. Bug

**Warning:** Sex, drugs, violence. All the best things. A somber, pretentious atmosphere provided by this girl who thinks she's some kind of writer. Some weirdly gushy bits followed by some attempts at being funny. Song titles as chapter titles, as usual (because I haven't an original bone in my entire body). **TRIGGER WARNING:** rape, psychological abuse, and physical abuse. Please take note. Very important.

**Disclaimer:** I have no imagination, I came up with nothing, I own nothing.

**Title:** Bug by Wavves

**Jessica would like you to note: **I posted chapter two two days ago… so hopefully I will finish this within the week. Maybe I'll finish it tonight! (That'd be a fucking miracle).

* * *

**Bug**

Axel rolled over and sighed through his nose, opening and closing his mouth a few times before his snoring resumed.

"16," Sora whispered, staring in awe at the person sleeping next to him. He could feel his knuckles making imprints against his cheek, pressing painfully against the bruise he'd forgotten he'd received, but he was too fascinated to be witnessing the sleeping habits of another to move or make much noise. Still, he was keenly aware of the physical sensations battering him in that moment. The grainy texture of the blanket against his skin, the cold numbness spreading through his toes as they flexed and lightly brushed Axel's leg, the midday sun beating against his back through the flimsy curtains. All of it was strangely intoxicating to him, and he quickly decided that everything was Axel's fault. It was his scent that was so heavy in the room. It made everything that much brighter, that much better. "17," he whispered, still counting firsts despite how silly it seemed.

He sighed and considered closing his eyes again, briefly forgetting that if he slept he would probably have a nightmare. 'Axel's doing again,' he thought, shaking his head. 'He's making me forget reality.'

With that in mind, he stood, stretched, and nudged the bed with his foot, carefully eyeing Axel as he revealed a shocking smile.

"I'm awake," the redhead murmured, yawning soon after and making a racket as he did his own stretching.

Sora took note of a few tattoos he hadn't quite noticed before, wondering what the story behind each one might be. He got the feeling they were purely aesthetic, and decided to spare himself the disappointment of that admission by not asking.

He finally smiled back at Axel, despite himself, and wandered to the bathroom, snagging some of the redhead's mouthwash and using it without permission. His spare toothbrush had a fairly permanent home at Joann's bar, nestled oddly in his box with his cash and his random trinkets. He shook his head as he remembered why he made Joann handle that box entirely, wondering why being with Axel seemed to dredge up so much hurt. He spit out the mouthwash after a few minutes and stared at the lanky man in the mirror, realizing as he watched him get dressed that those things weren't bothering him as much despite how pressing they'd suddenly become in his consciousness.

'I don't know what all of this is,' he thought, scratching vigorously at his hair and stepping back into the bedroom. 'I don't know what this is at all. Whatever is happening, I guess it's good right? He's making me open up to myself somehow, I guess…' He glanced at the other man again and wondered if he might be able to tell him everything. 'There are some things I'm not ready to do, but maybe if I stick with him… just for awhile, at least, I'll be able to stop… stop what? Stop this incessant train of thought? Stop living in a loop of self-hatred and greed? Stop torturing myself? Stop what?'

Sora decided that this sudden thoughtfulness was not pleasant at all, in that moment, and grunted in frustration as he quickly put on his filthy clothes. 'I guess I need to go get some clean ones from Joann.' He wondered, then, what Axel was going to do, and realized that they'd made no promise to spend the day together, though that's what he was imagining. It was jarring to think that he'd gotten so carried away all on his own, and he came crashing back to earth just like that. He felt drained, suddenly, and let the feeling carry him, slumping onto the bed and letting himself fall onto his side.

Axel, having finished dressing himself and half-assedly untangling his massive nest of red hair, turned and eyed Sora curiously. He joined him on the bed uninvited and spooned him in an act of over-familiarity they'd both become accustomed to during the two previous nights. With Axel's arms around him, Sora started to feel slightly better, and hummed in his throat as the surreality of their situation carried him away once more.

"Your clothes are really dirty," Axel murmured, kissing the side of his neck.

Sora grunted in affirmation, not moving.

He kissed the same spot once more. "They literally have dirt on them… and blood."

Sora grunted again, sinking deeper into Axel's arms.

"Maybe you should borrow mine?"

Sora shook his head gently, eyes still closed, body still refusing to move. It seemed to be fine with Axel, however, because they ended up laying like that for a good half an hour before anything else was said. Finally, Sora sighed away his lethargy and stood to reinitiate his day.

"The lady who owns the bar I always go to has a lot of what I own at her place," Sora informed the redhead, dusting some of the grime from his clothes and heading for the door. "I'll go get some clothes from her."

"Well why are you walking out of here like you're going alone?" Axel whined, jumping up and following him without asking permission. He pushed the brunet out the door and into his car, then, asking Sora for directions before driving them the short distance with a small smile on his face and the radio turned up way too loud. Sora didn't mind, however, because it felt… it felt good. Still. It hadn't stopped feeling good, and that made him nervous. Even though he was so wrapped up in how strange everything between them had been, and continued to be, a constant thrum was building in the back of his mind, reminding him that nothing lasts forever and second chances are never what they seem. He tried to shake off that sickening feeling but there was nothing for it. It had established itself just as concretely — no, _more_ concretely — than whatever feelings he was directing at Axel and the space he took up in his life. That was hard to stomach, but what was worse was the hole that accompanied that negativity; the one he was so often sent spiraling into without warning or mercy.

Sora couldn't help but think of the past when confronted with that same deep, darkness. He couldn't help but remember what he kept in his box, and all those memories he'd repressed. He couldn't help but think about his father rotting away in jail, and the scars that littered his skin even after so many years. He couldn't help but start to be wary of Axel, just as he was of everyone else. Just as he'd shut himself off from everyone else.

"Sora." Axel shook his shoulder, obviously concerned as indicated by the crease between his brows and the inquisitive look in his eyes.

Sora immediately put on his business smile.

"Sorry."

"Don't apologize," the redhead murmured, resting his hand on the top of Sora's head. "You looked… scary. Like something really awful just occurred to you."

Sora shrugged. Then paused, staring at his own hands clasped between his knees. He wondered what Axel was thinking. 'Probably that I'm completely insane,' he thought with a grim smile, 'which is correct.' Finally, after a few more minutes of silent self-deprecation and tightly strung tension, Axel got out of the car.

And though he looked like he didn't want to let it go, he did.

Instead of saying anything more, he walked a few feet away and lit a cigarette, watching impassively as Sora slunk to Joann's front door and briefly ducked inside her house, changing his clothes and reemerging quickly. He couldn't seem to figure out what to do with himself after doing that, however, and stood near the hood of Axel's car with a blank expression, hoping the redhead would say something so he wouldn't have to. He was afraid his fragile sense of reality would shatter again if he opened his mouth. So he was incredibly relieved when Axel wandered over to him and began kissing him with a surprising amount of passion, lips clashing against lips in unexpected desperation. And he wasn't complaining because Axel's hands against his face warmed him all the way to his toes. His wet kisses settled his scattered thoughts. And the way his body pressed close nearly brought tears to his eyes at the comfort that simple contact incited. It was like the things he'd been contemplating no longer existed for a moment, and when they drew apart to look at each other, he smiled breathlessly and questioned nothing.

Axel smiled back and petted down his hair, drawing him close so they could stand together a bit longer. It seemed their time together had been filled with moments like this one, just letting the world slow around them and enjoying the feeling of closeness and companionship. There was no need for endless, mindless chatter because they were getting what they needed from each other without even a word.

Sora tried his best recall this and recall how much he'd enjoyed it later in the night as he stood watching Axel with mouth agape, the redhead's hands pounding against a blackjack table loudly as he screamed at the dealer and threw back his latest drink.

Half of him wanted to laugh at the spectacle, really, but the other half was just mortified by such blatant and uncouth behavior. Sora couldn't say he was entirely surprised, not after the way he'd been threatened the first night they'd met. 'Just two days ago,' he thought, still watching Axel and covering his smile with one hand. 'This man is a child.' With that realization, Sora jumped to action, stomping over to where his almost partner was yelling his head off and chain-smoking, and hauling him away before he got kicked out.

Axel didn't put up a fight at all, smiling like a little kid who'd been caught doing something naughty might and shoving his hands in his pockets. "I almost had 'em back there."

"No. You almost got kicked out back there, dumbass," Sora muttered, smirking despite himself. "And it's not like you can really "have 'em" at blackjack. It's a complete scam at casinos like this."

Axel shrugged and coughed into his hand, producing a stack of bills and chips he'd collected throughout the night from his pocket and raising one eyebrow at Sora as they continued walking. "I was going to get kicked out whether I made a scene or not," he said with a grin.

Sora shook his head in awe as he chuckled, and motioned for Axel to put the money away, sighing as they wandered down the strip. He hadn't admired the neon signs and gaudy facades of the place in awhile, so he stared intently as they walked, wondering why he still lived in a place like Vegas. He didn't feel right on the strip, and he didn't feel right on the outskirts. Joann's bar made him feel tiny and afraid (though he put on a brave face), but the strip made him feel alien and alone. It was like the whole town was out to get him. Constantly. 'Why did I stay when I could have gone anywhere…' Sora halted that train of thought before it could leave the station, turning his head to smile slightly at Axel, knowing that the guy had probably noticed his far-off look. He always seemed to take note pretty keenly when Sora started thinking too much (as demonstrated by the many times he'd had to snap the brunet out of it just that day). He looked like he really wanted to question it every time, just like the first time, but he never did… until they sat down to eat at a small restaurant off the strip.

Once they'd ordered, and Axel seemed to have gotten his fill of staring at Sora's face, he broached the topic completely out of the blue.

"What happened to you?" he said blankly, fingering his straw and staring. His green eyes were full of compassion, but Sora still felt his skin crawl at the question. He shrugged. Axel rolled his eyes.

"Why are you avoiding telling me?"

"Why are you so persistent about something I'm obviously not ready to share?" Sora snapped, unintentionally letting his frustration out. He started to take back the harsh words, but stopped himself, realizing that he had no reason to apologize to Axel. He didn't owe him anything. He started to get that creeping, nauseous feeling again…

"I just… I feel like you're on the verge of something," Axel muttered, still poking at his straw, still staring. "I feel like if you let it all out, if you let yourself think it through and really feel it — whatever it is — you could come out whole." Axel paused and shook his head, laughing slightly. "I'm sorry that just sounded completely fucking pretentious and stupid. I swear I feel like I'm in a Kafka story right now."

Sora snorted and slumped down against the table, staring at the bubbles in his soda as they travelled to the surface. He sighed. "Well you might be right about some of what you said," he muttered, "but I don't know how to open up, and I don't know how to give into these surreal feelings. It doesn't matter what I want, because something in my subconscious is fighting it. But… the fact that I'm even able to dance around the subject with you is pretty amazing." He looked into Axel's eyes and nodded a bit, smiling at the sincerity of the redhead's concerned expression. "I've never even… gotten this close."

They both continued to stare at each other for a moment before moving on, lightening the mood as they talked about what they were going to do next and wolfed down their food. Still, Sora could tell it was hanging between them as they wandered to his usual bar and began drinking in earnest. It perturbed him enough that he decided not to try to hustle anyone or anything. Despite that, there was a pointed feel of danger in the biker bar that Sora was not entirely prepared for. It was the same feeling he'd gotten from his previous target — the one whose wrist he'd broken. He didn't say anything, but he could tell Axel was starting to take note of it as well, though he was sloshed beyond reason. His hazy eyes were narrowed as he stopped mid-sentence and glanced around at the various pairs of eyes locked on the two of them.

"Is it just me," he murmured, leaning towards Sora and turning back towards the bar, "or are we getting fucking mauled to death by a bunch of biker stares?"

Sora snorted to hide his nervousness, but gripped Axel's hand tight soon after, knowing that they needed to leave quickly if they were going to make it out at all that night. And Axel, despite his deepening inebriation, got it immediately, standing without pause. The two of them walked out calmly, stood outside the doors to the bar for a moment to check that they had everything they needed on them, then booked it to Axel's car. Sora started it so quickly he nearly stalled the engine, but neither of them commented on that. They were scared shitless. White-knuckling it back to the hotel seemed to give them both a moment to calm down, however, and by the time they were stumbling through the door to room 115 together for a third time, they were able to laugh breathlessly at the intensity of the situation.

"That was friggin terrifying," Axel breathed, flopping onto his back and moaning slightly. "And now I feel too drunk."

Sora rolled his eyes and yanked Axel's shoes off for him, not sure why it seemed so natural to do so, but not questioning it. It was just one of those "Sora and Axel" things, he figured. He snorted at that thought, uncertain when he'd started thinking of occurrences that way. He didn't know, but he liked it just fine.

'Sora and Axel things,' he thought again, shaking his head and flopping down next to the redhead. 'Maybe one day I'll be able to tell my story after all.' Before he could give that any more thought, Axel was all over him. It was not unexpected or undesired at all, but it hit him like a metal bat to the temple, shocking him out of his reverie.

His skin tingled the same way it had that first night, and Axel's gaze was just as heated as it had been the first time they'd locked eyes. Everything was the same, and everything was different.

He breathed out through his nose heavily as Axel pressed a slow kiss to his mouth. He tasted strongly of alcohol, and strongly of Axel. He tasted like fire and whisky.

Sora breathed him in and gave everything over, reaching down to grope Axel's crotch as the taller man began pawing under his shirt. Axel seemed surprised by Sora's assertiveness, but made no move to protest as Sora rolled him over and straddled his waist. It wouldn't have done any good anyways: the brunet had decided he wanted to be in control, and he would get what he wanted.

With a small smirk, he leaned down and nipped at Axel's lips, teasing a little and breathing in the heady scent of the other man again. Then he shoved his hand down Axel's pants and stopped playing around entirely, panting open-mouthed against another pair of greedy lips as his partner gasped and jolted under him. He felt his chest filling with all of those feelings again, the ones that confused and elated him beyond words, dragging him over the edge.

He felt it even more keenly as he kissed down Axel's body and sucked on him until he came. He reveled in it as Axel shoved his fingers in Sora's mouth and then deep inside of him, returning the favor with a ravenous smile until Sora had released everything. He utterly drowned in it as he settled himself comfortably on top of Axel, moaning "more" over and over at the feeling of Axel inside of him. There was nothing more healing to him than this, nothing more cathartic or meaningful. His whole world was starting to center around this person and this act, the purity of it cleansing him, even if it was just for those two hours they spent desperately seeking each other out.

In the moments after, he felt like he could breathe for the first time in his life without his ribs tightening to crush his heart. He felt alive.

It wasn't until he awoke later that night, gasping and shuddering as he recovered from his nightmare, that he realized that Axel wasn't the answer. Not really. There was still something missing inside of him. And he was left to spend the rest of that long, lonely night desperately pining for whatever it was, the hollow twang in his chest turning him into a choking, sobbing mess as the moon fled the night sky.

* * *

**End Notes:** I… I actually did it!? WHAT!? I finished this in one night! I'm proud of me omg.


	4. Hard Times

**Warning:** Sex, drugs, violence. All the best things. A somber, pretentious atmosphere provided by this girl who thinks she's some kind of writer. Some weirdly gushy bits followed by some attempts at being funny. Song titles as chapter titles, as usual (because I haven't an original bone in my entire body). **TRIGGER WARNING:** rape, psychological abuse, and physical abuse. Please take note. Very important.

**Disclaimer:** I have no imagination, I came up with nothing.

**Title:** Hard Times by Widowspeak

**Jessica would like you to note:** The timeline for this is all kinds of weird. This is technically chapter one (in that it's the first one I wrote). I dunno why, but I was doing my usual planning for this fic, which consists of me typing out summaries for each chapter and choosing a song that has the right feel and a decent enough title to match the chapter… and then I kept picturing this one so vividly I knew I wasn't going to be able to leave it alone. Thus, I typed it out just like that (at 6 in the morning) and then I passed out. Anyways, I'm going to get back to writing the actual chapter one (isn't that weird, heh).

* * *

**Hard Times**

Sora shifted and made a small noise, the scratchy blanket leaving a familiar tingle on his skin as it rubbed here and there. He slid down a bit in his state of early-morning dreamless, sleepless listlessness, his eyes hazy and puffy as they fluttered slightly open to take in the rising sun. The rays seemed more intense than usual, and he could feel an energy beating down on him from elsewhere as he continued to wriggle and adjust. The two coalescing forces brought on an unpleasant itch deep within his skull and he couldn't help but fully awaken. He squeezed his eyes shut as tight as he could in an attempt to stop it from happening (and to relieve some of the pressure building in his head), kicking off the covers like an irate child and letting out a loud "Ugh."

He heard a chuckle at his side and rolled to face Axel (hogging the significantly softer sheet, as he had the previous two nights as well). The guy was staring at him, and he quickly determined that this was one of the primary sources of his discomfort. Seeing as there was little he could do to prevent Axel from doing what he wanted, he moved to fix the other problem in two swift motions, tugging the curtains closed so forcefully they almost derailed, and flopping back down on the bed in a huff.

He said nothing as Axel's hand dragged softly through his hair, the motion diffusing some of the tension building in his brain. The silence went on like that for some time, and Sora nearly fell back to sleep under the gentle caresses. If Axel's stare had been less intense, he might have been able to. Unfortunately, as it was, there was no escaping that pull. It was begging him to stay awake.

He sighed and considered prompting the redhead somehow, but suspected that Axel was the type to come out with things in his own time and his own way. There was evidence here and there in their interactions that this was so, though it was fairly insubstantial. And if there was one thing he'd learned from his no-goodnik lifestyle, it was how to read an individual based on very little information. Thus, he was fairly confident that he was right about this, and many other things about Axel.

His suspicion proved valid as the lanky man rolled over onto his back and began chattering without warning, his hand still petting through Sora's tangles.

"I left home when I was 16," he murmured, obviously opening up a large can of worms with just that small statement. Sora prepared himself for a full-on novella all about Axel's life and was not disappointed. "My old man was beating me… and my mom. And I hated them both. I hated her because she manipulated the shit out of me, constantly telling me that she was the only one who loved me and the only one that would _ever_ love me. Telling me that she would protect me and then sitting back and doing nothing as my dad pounded the shit out of me, and then out of her. You know, don't get me wrong here, I understand why it was hard for her. She was obviously mentally ill and needed help, and she loved my dad and didn't want to just walk away from him. Plus, who fucking knew what might happen if she did. He could've killed her just like that." He paused, sighing and resting his hand on his forehead like he was taking his own temperature. Sora recognized it. It was something he did when he was trying to calm down. But he still sounded so frustrated as he continued, and his other hand was slightly rough against Sora's hair. "I'm sure she was constantly at a loss," he said loudly, gesturing at the ceiling, "and I'm sure she snapped under the weight of everything, and I'm sure she was trying so hard to find a safe place for herself in me, and to provide a safe place for me in her… You know, I get all that, I really do, but… It's fucking hard to truly understand and truly forgive someone when they watched you get smacked around and cut up and bruised for 10 years and they never even tried to pull you outta that. She never even tried for me. If not for herself, why not for me? I was her kid, I was even more scared and even more powerless than she was, and she didn't even… didn't even try. I dunno… I'm just trying to wrap my head around that still, I guess." He glanced at Sora and smirked, softening his touch again. "I guess that sounds contradictory, but you know what I mean, right?"

Sora nodded and shimmied forward on his stomach, resting his head against Axel's shoulder with a heavy sigh.

"Understanding something as a concept is one thing," he fumbled, his voice warped by his gravity-induced fish mouth. It was definitely one of the drawbacks of this "cuddling" business. The squished faces and sticky skin and uncomfortable readjusting really put a damper on the whole thing. He grunted as Axel chuckled and pushed himself up slightly like a worm, lifting his head only enough to get out the rest of his thought in a normal voice. "Understanding something as a concept is one thing," he repeated, "and truly accepting it is another. When the time comes, I'm sure you'll feel everything sink in in one grand epiphany, and then roll off of you in the very next moment. And that's how you'll know you're healed." Sora let his shaking body flop back onto the mattress, his head contacting Axel's armpit painfully. They both made a noise at the impact, then chuckled, curling closer together despite the discomfort of their sticking skin.

"I guess you're right," Axel murmured, his hand returning to Sora's hair. "And it's weird, but, having heard that, it's somehow easier to wait for that moment now. I've been stressing about healing myself and stressing about getting over all of this or leaving it behind but that was all wrong. You can't force this shit, and you can't change the past. It's pretty obvious, I guess, but we humans really try our hardest to fight inevitable truths like that. Especially the ones that are the most painful."

Sora nodded and hummed a little in agreement, his eyes sliding closed. He thought it might be nice sleeping close against Axel's side like that, not least of all because it kept the redhead from staring at him unless he wanted a neck cramp. Thus, he felt himself lulled back into his previous dreams by the sound of Axel's heartbeat and the gentle tug of his hand against his scalp. Fortunately, whatever dreams he'd had after he'd finally fallen asleep again the previous night were _not_ more nightmares, so he was able to sleep like that for some time before waking up in one of the most uncomfortable ways possible. He groaned at how hot he'd gotten pressed against Axel's side, peeling himself off of the other man like a sweaty bandaid. He sighed, then, and slipped out of bed with an unnecessary degree of gentleness; Axel was already waking up himself and scratching down his usual bed head. He followed Sora into the bathroom and smacked him on the ass as he passed to turn on the shower, ignoring the look he was given in response. Sora squeezed some toothpaste from the tube and shook his head with a quickly muttered curse, using Axel's toothbrush without permission, knowing the redhead wouldn't care. He brushed his teeth only cursorily, however, before forcing Axel to relinquish the shower so that there would be plenty of hot water left for him.

"Why don't we just share?" he whined, clutching at the towel on his waist as Sora shoved him out into the main room and locked the door.

"It's too cramped," Sora shouted, stepping under the stream of steaming water with a smile. "And you'll spend the whole time coming onto me."

Axel snorted but gave no retort, and Sora assumed he must have busied himself with getting dressed and combing out his vicious head of tangles. He assumed this only for a moment, however, because he heard the redhead clear his throat as he stepped out of the shower, and realized that the idiot was still standing right by the door.

"You know," said muffled Axel, his head or some other equally hard part of his body knocking gently against the wall, "I wanna know your story."

Sora paused and stared at himself in the mirror, the expression he was met with giving him a jolt. 'Is that what I look like when I think about it,' he wondered, stretching the skin on his face with one hand. 'Even after all this time?' He shook his head and looked at the door, mentally replacing its bare flatness with Axel's body.

"Axel, we've been over this," he called, feeling queasy as he remembered his nightmare and the hours he'd spent sobbing in the dark. "Why don't we save that topic for a better time?" He waited a moment for some sort of response, then, when it seemed there was none forthcoming, grabbed a towel, covering the important bits with it as he joined Axel in the other room. He brushed past the guy without a second glance, riffling through his scant belongings with swift efficiency and throwing on his clothing with the same indifference. He turned to face his sort-of friend as soon as he'd finished and balked at the pointed stare being leveled at him.

"What?" he asked calmly, crossing his arms.

"Just you," Axel grunted. "You're avoiding me."

"We've known each other three days."

"Yeah, and I think we've established with some degree of consensus here that there's something weird between us."

"That doesn't mean I'm going to suddenly be some- I dunno. Open book."

"I told you some pretty personal shit-"

"Yeah, of your own volition," Sora interrupted, flopping unceremoniously onto the untouched bed to sit and recrossing his arms. "I never tried to force, or coerce, or guilt, or even question that information out of you. You gave me that."

"Because we agreed that there's…" Axel pointed back and forth between them rapidly and sighed, giving Sora another pointed look. "That there's some reason we're here like this. Or something."

"I don't believe in fate or destiny or serendipity or whatever you want to call it," Sora said calmly, fixing Axel with a blank stare. "So while I agree that, yes, there's something here, it's not something with a set plan. It's not being orchestrated, and we're not being Pinocchio'd around. We make the choices we want to make, and we go at a pace that's comfortable for each of us, and we don't script this shit like it's the fucking Notebook or something. Whatever it leads to is what we bring about, and trying to force me to tell you things I'm not ready to even say out loud, let alone share with another person, is only going to bring about the end of this."

Axel met his glare with an incredulous pair of eyes and a shocked, open mouth. He seemed to pause and consider everything that had been said, gaze wandering to the side as though seeking out some response, but he found none. He paused, he considered, and then he deigned to disregard it all, instead setting about making himself presentable before the night's nonsense. He completely avoided Sora throughout all of it, putting on his clothes and yanking a comb through his hair without a single word. And Sora, for his part, made no effort to change the situation. He knew Axel was just pouting and didn't want to reinforce the behavior by giving in and starting up conversation first. However, it was fairly awkward to just sit in silence, so he wandered outside before it could grow any more tense, walking towards Joann's bar with purpose. But despite this show of gumption, he could rouse no interest in making money when he reached his destination, instead opting to drink and wallow.

'This, perhaps, is another first,' he thought, ticking it off in his head. 'I'm pissed off because of someone else, and I'm drinking because of someone else, and I'm actually… thinking about someone else. How pathetic.' He scoffed at his internal dialogue, muttering "18," sarcastically as he finished off his drink and glanced around, noting that the usual clientele seemed to be in attendance. In fact, there was more than one familiar face in the mix, and… that worried him. He was starting to get that same feeling — the one he'd had the night before. It felt like a gathering storm. 'What if they all caught on and now they're getting friendly,' he thought, eyeing his glass. 'They might just gang up on me and I don't know how many I can handle on my own.' He glanced around again, desperately looking for Axel just in case. He had yet to show up, and Sora began to worry that his number really was up. 'He's not gonna show. He's so pissed at me. I'm gonna get beaten to death and the last thing I did was piss off the only person I've ever been even moderately close to. And all because I can't open up. All because I'm terrified of trusting someone else-'

A hand flopped heavily onto his shoulder just as he was growing frantic, effectively ending his rambling, paranoid train of thought. He'd never been so scattered in his life, and it was having an impact on his reflexes. He knew this to be the case because he normally would have been on his feet in a flash, and instead he just… sat. Hunkered down on his barstool, his body stock-still. He glanced up with a wince, expecting it to be one of the bikers he'd swindled, ready to smash a shot glass with his face. A surge of relief flooded his body as the ever-tangled red mane of his only almost-friend filled his vision, the owner of that mane giving him an uncharacteristically stern look.

"Sora," he said quietly, glancing around, "I heard them muttering about you over there." He jerked his head in the direction of a few bikers. "Sounds like trouble…"

Sora nodded and stood as steadily as he could. For a moment, he thought this might be the last time he could come to the bar, and he winced, pausing and reaching over the bar to grab that box… his box. Joann watched him do this and made a resigned face, nodding once at him with an unwontedly tender expression. He returned it and mouthed a thank you at her before turning and moving towards the exit, trying not to attract too much attention.

He let Axel lead him out with one hand on his lower back, his eyes fixed straight ahead and his hands trembling. And he knew it then: they really were in danger. Normally, he would have been fairly resigned to the thought, but it was becoming the usual drill with Axel for things to change. He was worried. Not just for Axel, either, but for himself. 'Well I will give that a good long think later,' he told himself, slipping around to the side of the building as soon as he was outside. He and Axel looked at each other for just a second before breaking into a sprint, keeping pace with each other until they reached the motel room.

"They definitely know where we are," Axel panted, shoving his meagre belongings into a bag and tossing it down by the door. "And they'll follow us once they see we've made a break for it. Grab your stuff and go to the car and start it while I check out. If they come, drive to the gas station five miles north and wait for me. You can outrun them if you go as fast as possible and park somewhere hidden."

"Axel, I'm not gonna just leave you to deal with-!" The redhead shut him up by shoving his keys into his hands and squeezing them, his eyes completely focused.

"Look, they're not after me, but they will fucking kill you. So listen."

Before Sora could argue, Axel ducked out the door with the room keys, jogging to the main office and disappearing inside. Sora jiggled his leg and made a frustrated noise, contemplating calling the police for a second before shaking his head and gathering up what little he had scattered around the room. He grabbed Axel's bag once he was done and rushed out to the car, unlocking it and tossing everything in the back seat. He started it fumblingly and shifted over to the passenger seat as quickly as he could without hurting himself, his heart sending tremors through his ribs with each frenzied pump. He glanced around while trying his best not to dwell on the situation, his temples throbbing in time with his heartbeats. 'They're not here yet. We're gonna be fine. Axel will be out any minute, and we're gonna get out of here.' Right as he thought this, the redhead came bursting out of the motel office with a worried expression, his eyes darting around frantically. After noting that the coast was clear, his features softened and he moved towards the car quickly, but calmly, opening the driver's side door and getting in with a sigh.

He looked at Sora and they both paused for a moment, staring as they let the relief settle in. They both smiled and slumped slightly, all of the hectic energy draining from their bodies.

"I guess we were a bit overly worried, after all," Axel muttered, slumping against the wheel.

Sora reached out to grip his hand for reassurance, falling back against his seat with a liberated grin. They stared at each other from their respective positions for a long moment, suddenly aware of how strange everything that had happened to them was all over again. Sora decided not to overthink anything (as he was wont to do) for the time being and enjoyed the experience as it was, allowing the mood to carry him as Axel leaned in and kissed him. It was different than the other kisses they'd shared, much as the theme seemed to dictate with the two of them. It was soft and slow and painfully sweet, almost teasing. Sora pressed into it more and licked Axel's lips before drawing back, looking into his eyes with a searching gaze.

"I-" Sora was cut off before he could really start, the loud growl of a motorcycle drowning out his next word and causing him to whip around and grow silent before he could utter a third. There was a good deal of yelling going on amongst the group approaching, but he could barely make out any of the words. He knew they weren't saying anything good. They looked like they were out for blood, and Sora recognized every single person on the bikes. All he could do was shrink back and stare as six or seven of them rode up to them swinging chains and screaming curses.

Fortunately, Axel was not so easily distracted and had already put the car in gear, stomping on the gas pedal and speeding away even as the bikers swooped in behind them. It wasn't a real chase, and the two boys knew it. They knew that once they'd gone far enough, the bikers would have no reason to keep it up. It wouldn't be worth it anymore. Still, Sora felt nauseous and on edge for the entirety of their not-so-hot pursuit. He watched through the rearview with darting glances, clicking his teeth together to provide himself some outlet for his energy. 'It's a good thing we're so much faster than them,' he thought, thanking the universe for Axel's car. 'They'd smash up the windows in a second if they could reach us.'

He glanced up at the rearview again and finally saw the straggling group veer off and stop entirely. However, he waited until he knew that they'd been left several miles in the dust to allow himself to feel relieved, sliding down in the seat and covering his face with his hands. He laughed from behind the cover they provided, feeling… awful. "Definitely a first," he muttered, glancing at Axel. 'This is the first time I've ever wanted to protect someone.'

Axel drove on, oblivious to his thoughts. The silence stretched for hours, and darkness settled over them like a blanket as the sun finally plunged under the horizon entirely. Sora liked the sunsets in the desert, and he liked the night air even more. Despite how harsh the scenery often seemed, it was beautiful with the pastel sky looming above it, the colors bending with the sun's final rays and stretching over the landscape of dry earth and scraggly plants like the fingers of god. And when the light dipped below the edge of the world, the stars came to life and the moon uncloaked itself entirely, revealing how bright its face could be. Sora smiled as he stared up at it through the open window, closing his eyes and letting the always-surprising warmth of the night comfort him. After a few moments like this, he jumped slightly as a hand landed on his, squeezing his fingers and reminding him of a different comforting warmth. And the warmth of Axel's skin was truly something else.

* * *

**End Notes:** I'm technically writing chapter five after writing this one even though I said I was writing chapter one. I can't seem to drag myself back to the beginning right now so I'm going to run with it. But UPDATE obviously I've written 1-4 now, and five is well on its way. I know where this is going and I usually derail during chapter two of my fics so I'm pretty sure this will go as scheduled (hooray?). Anyways, I've been writing for two hours and I've managed to get chapter 3 out and I've nearly finished five sooooo. I'm just on a roll or something. I don't think I should stop so I'll stop writing this now. :p


	5. Ride

**Warning:** Sex, drugs, violence. All the best things. A somber, pretentious atmosphere provided by this girl who thinks she's some kind of writer. Some weirdly gushy bits followed by some attempts at being funny. Song titles as chapter titles, as usual (because I haven't an original bone in my entire body). **TRIGGER WARNING:** rape, psychological abuse, and physical abuse. Please take note. Very important.

**Disclaimer:** I have no imagination, I came up with nothing.

**Title:** Ride by Lana Del Rey

**Jessica would like you to note:** Wow soooo hopefully I can finish this tonight. I'm obviously publishing it many days after when I actually started writing it (bc I got most of this done the same night as I published chapter 3…) but I wrote this all pretty quickly, soon after the previous chapters, which makes it easier. It's all much more cohesive this way.

* * *

**Ride**

"Where do you wanna go?" Axel asked suddenly, leaning over to steal a sip of Sora's drink before the brunet could get it out of his reach. He grinned at the scowl he was met with and bit the fry in the kid's other hand in half while he was at it.

"My god you are annoying," Sora grumbled, shoving Axel's face away and staring dismally at his decimated fry. He put the rest of it into his mouth and stared out the window silently, chewing until nothing but mush remained in his mouth. "You don't have to go with me, you know," he said carefully, turning back to Axel, finally, and swallowing the paste on his tongue. "I don't want to make you be my ride or… make you do anything you don't wanna do."

"You know what I'm going to say in response to that already, don't you?" The redhead grinned and took a large bite out of the cheeseburger he was holding.

Sora rolled his eyes and nodded, going over the whole 'we have something weird between us yadda yadda' spiel in his mind. "In all seriousness, though," he murmured, holding out his drink for Axel to take another sip, "do you really not mind? I mean, you didn't want to stay in Vegas?"

Axel shrugged and leaned back in his seat, eyeing Sora. "I don't really care where I am, to be honest," he said quietly. "And I think if I need a reason to be anywhere, it may as well be you."

A heavy silence fell over them at that admission, each taking in the significance of that statement in their own time, with their own mixture of emotions. Sora didn't think Axel had thought the assertion through before he'd said it, because it seemed to dawn on the redhead just how intense that sounded only well after the fact. He watched impassively as the lanky guy grew steadily more thoughtful, wondering if he should be worried about the genuine attachment developing between them, and the speed with which it was forming. He decided, for the thousandth time in the past three days, not to overthink it anymore. Instead, he acted on instinct, and his instinct told him to kiss Axel. He could taste the fast food and the cigarettes and even a vague hint of bubblegum on his tongue, but underneath that he was starting to recognize something else even more keenly than before. It was the taste of Axel himself, and it was just as disturbingly pleasant to Sora as it had been during their third night together; his nerves tingled in excitement each time he registered that flavor. He huffed a quick breath against Axel's mouth after a moment, then pressed back in despite himself, intensifying the warm involvement of their tongues without warning. Axel made a small "mmm" noise and mumbled unintelligibly against Sora's lips as they continued to attack each other, their kisses slow but still greedy.

Finally, after what seemed like ages, Axel yanked Sora back by the hair gently, still kissing him despite that motion. "If we keep doing this I'm going to have to fuck you in the backseat," he grunted, pressing in for one final kiss before stopping entirely.

Sora laughed and nuzzled Axel's neck playfully. "Awww, someone can't even handle a little making out?" he teased, blowing into the redhead's ear.

"You're seriously toeing the line here," Axel grumbled, shuddering at the little kisses Sora began trailing down his neck. "If I get hard I'm gonna be pissed."

With a roll of his eyes, Sora finally pulled away, popping a fry into his mouth and grinning over at his partner as he chewed. Axel narrowed his eyes as he took another bite of his burger, muttering something about Sora being an asshole.

Time seemed to wear on in montage after that. A montage of bright sunlight filtered through Axel's filthy windshield, trivial conversation and cheap laughs, and Axel smiling at him with heart-melting warmth in his eyes. Sora felt like he could go anywhere, and it was fine, and that was a terrifying, yet exhilarating feeling. Truly, he was running out of patience, counting all of those firsts. At some point, he stopped worrying about it, and realized that with each little twinge of his heart, every new emotion and sensation, every exchanged look and gentle smile, he was experiencing hundreds of firsts at any given moment. There was really no keeping track.

Eventually, he made a decision about their next destination, and felt no guilt about allowing himself Axel's presence. They drove in a whole new direction, then, taking every scenic road they could find and stopping at dive bars for some quick "temp work" (as they took to calling it) here and there. Just enough to scrape by, as usual. Axel bought cigarettes and cheap booze, and Sora stashed what money they had left over with the rest, saving for when they might really need it. They drove for a few hours, then stopped over to spend a decent night sleeping in a cheap hotel room. They expected to move on quickly and reach their final destination the next day, but it felt so unnecessary to rush when they were together in that room. They spent several days holed up, instead, just feeling each other in the deepest way possible.

Sora sought it just as hungrily as Axel, though he would never admit it. He still felt just as full and free and alive as he had that night he'd realized he was missing something, and he became addicted to having sex with the redhead. It was like a ritual, a prayer, and a desperate plea for redemption all at once. And, at the same time, it just felt fucking amazing.

He never got over that tingling sensation, he never stopped craving Axel's scent or taste or feel.

And in the moments they spent in between, he grew to understand that Axel was incredibly gentle and kind and shockingly naive. He learned that Axel's favorite color was blue and his favorite book was _Earthly Powers_. He learned that Axel wasn't really addicted to smoking but did it to look cool. (And after admitting this, he agreed to quit). He learned that Axel was half a year older than him (born October 3rd) and that he had memorized the lyrics to every Zeppelin song in the fifth grade. He learned that Axel cried silently and always combed back his hair with his left hand when he was really frustrated. He learned what Axel looked like when he was tired, angry, depressed, mopey, elated, impressed, insouciant, and everything in between. He learned that Axel was easy to love, and with that realization, he learned what real fear was.

He thought about this over breakfast one morning, just as they decided to finally leave for Reno. 'I'm falling in love with him, really,' he thought, staring at the redhead in awe. 'Genuinely, I have begun to love him… or at least care about him. A lot. A lot more than I care about myself.'

But something felt wrong as he admitted this silently to his powdered eggs. He felt disjointed and unsettled, and his mind dragged him back to that night again. That night when he'd sat up alone, sobbing and wondering what he needed to be whole. It still wasn't Axel. He realized this with a great jolt, still staring, still thinking about how he was falling for this man who had been nothing more than a mysterious stranger only a week prior. He realized Axel couldn't "fix" him, and that loving Axel wasn't going to "save" him. There was something fundamentally wrong that would not stop until he figured out what it was and what to do about it.

However, despite knowing all of this, he couldn't find it in himself to leave Axel's side. He contemplated it only for a moment before shuddering and completely rejecting the idea. Because as much as he knew he couldn't fill the hole inside himself with Axel, he also knew it would be so much harder to figure out what he needed if he was on his own. He didn't want to use Axel as a crutch, but he couldn't help wanting to be next to him.

Therein lay the dilemma he faced in the following days as they reached Reno and found the cheapest room possible, using Axel's dubious credit card to cover it and crashing into the bed.

"You'd think we'd be tired of doing this by now," Axel panted, stripping off Sora's shirt with a half-grin and impatient hands.

Sora just rolled his eyes and devoured the redhead's tongue, obediently falling onto his back as Axel gently pushed at him and crawled between his legs. They were both vaguely tipsy after pulling on Axel's flask of whiskey as they entered the hotel, so it came as no surprise that their libidos were piqued as soon as they were alone. Axel moaned at the way Sora was sucking on his tongue, and the brunet grew bolder. He could feel his lower body straining for attention, and the sounds the redhead was making were making it more urgent than ever. He rolled his hips up and squeezed Axel close, grinding against him.

"Fuck me," he panted. "Fuck me, please. Right now. Seriously."

They both chuckled into their breathless kiss, stripping down faster than either thought possible and absorbing each other immediately. And when Sora'd said "right now" he'd meant it. They didn't really prep going into it — a scant amount of lube serving as the only measure taken by either of them. Though it was painful, Sora found himself enjoying it soon enough. Even the initial pain was pleasurable, in its own way. He clutched at the back of Axel's neck and inhaled his scent hard as he bit into his pulse point. And the redhead squirmed and made a noise but never stopped, knowing exactly what his partner wanted.

Sora stared at the ceiling and tried to count the stars dancing in his eyes as his body jerked and moved towards the headboard with each rough thrust. He shoved his tongue into the taller man's mouth when he felt he was getting closer, signaling for him to go faster. He stroked himself hard and scratched at Axel's back as he came. He watched with hooded eyes as the redhead did the same, his orgasm that much more intense for the show.

"I wanna watch you come again," Axel murmured, kissing Sora slowly and rubbing his tongue against the roof of his mouth. He took another mouthful of alcohol from his flask and shared it with the brunet with a grin, touching his tanned skin all over. He kept that smile as he kissed down the smaller boy's body, and they spent the rest of the night rediscovering each other.

For the moment, Sora's worries were quelled.

* * *

**End Notes:** Apologies for not posting this earlier. It's honestly been sitting in my doc manager for over a week oops. SORRY!


	6. On and On

**Warning:** Sex, drugs, violence. All the best things. A somber, pretentious atmosphere provided by this girl who thinks she's some kind of writer. Some weirdly gushy bits followed by some attempts at being funny. Song titles as chapter titles, as usual (because I haven't an original bone in my entire body). **TRIGGER WARNING:** rape, psychological abuse, and physical abuse. Please take note. Very important.

**Disclaimer:** I have no imagination, I came up with nothing.

**Title:** On and On by Erykah Badu

**Jessica would like you to note:** I'm super stressed out so it's difficult to write at this juncture. Once I've settled some things, the chapters will be more readily forthcoming, but for now, it's going to take some time. :/ Also, there is a lot of angst in this chapter. Angst angst angst.

* * *

**On and On**

'Well this probably isn't good.'

As he thought this, Sora paced to the other side of the table, pretending to line up a shot as he surveyed the men in his vicinity. They were already looking at him warily. They were already catching on.

'Why is this so much fucking harder here?' he wondered, frustrated. In fact, he was so frustrated, that he genuinely missed a shot, something he hadn't done since he was 14. He frowned in honest disappointment, noting the way his opponent smirked and began knocking in ball after ball. 'He's probably some kind of swindling asshole too.'

Fortunately, this other swindling asshole wasn't very good at his game and missed a crucial shot, allowing Sora to narrowly come out on top. With a nervous chuckle, he took the money from the table and waited for a possible yelling match, glancing to where Axel was pretending to flirt with a waitress to make sure he was paying attention. The redhead stretched backwards and gave a quick wink, barely flashing the small blade up his sleeve so that Sora would know he was ready.

As it turned out, nothing happened. The other guy just shrugged and walked away, muttering a quick "good game, buddy" before hunkering down with some bleach blonde in a too-tight dress. He watched them console each other and almost laughed, wondering if that's how he and Axel would look to other people if they openly flirted with each other.

He looked back at his partner and smiled, walking over to take the barstool next to him as he mentally counted the money he'd saved up so far. 'It's a lot…' he thought, letting his chin drop onto his fist, 'probably more than I need, really. Why do I keep doing this?' He stared at the new stack of bills in his hand, contemplating that for just a moment longer before shrugging and shoving it deep into his pocket. 'I've been doing this for 6 years already…'

"I guess I just don't know what else to do," he said aloud, turning to Axel and stealing a sip of his drink.

Axel laughed. "Are you finishing a thought process out loud again, or is that your way of starting a new conversation topic?"

"Well, technically it can be both, right? I'm only openly bringing it up at this moment, so… Anyways. I wanna know your thoughts on this. Why do I keep doing this?"

Axel shrugged and gave him a look that said 'I have no fucking clue,' idly gulping down what remained of his beer. Then, after a moment of staring at his thumbs, he seemed to find the answer floating in his nail beds and looked Sora hard in the eye, turning very serious.

"I think running on autopilot keeps you from thinking about what happened to you."

The brunet paused at that, a wave of nausea pulsing through him, giving way to an unsteady heartbeat and clammy hands. There was nothing he could do, then. He was having a panic attack. 'Again?' he thought, trying his best to stop himself before he began hyperventilating. Axel took one look at him and stood up, throwing a bill on the counter and grabbing Sora by the elbow gently to steer him outside.

He led the smaller boy to his car and settled him in the passenger's side calmly before driving the 8 miles to their hotel, never stopping and never saying a word. Sora just sat with clenched fists and grit teeth, rubbing away the endless stream of tears as his body betrayed him, seemingly attempted to rip him apart from the inside. He couldn't stop it from happening, he was losing control. His vision started flickering as the hyperventilation intensified. He was almost relieved at the thought that he might pass out. At least he wouldn't feel it anymore. At least he wouldn't have to experience this new pain.

Axel, on the other hand, kept his composure all the way to their room, only changing things up once they were completely alone. He laid with the brunet in their bed, then, slowly rubbing down his back. He'd learned not to try to restrain Sora too much after the first few attacks, because that seemed to make his anxiety worse, so he kept his touches as gentle as possible, lightly tracing his fingers over the boy's skin here and there.

"I'm here," he whispered softly, repeating those words as many times as necessary until Sora's breathing evened out and the tears stopped. They both lay in silence for some time after that, making sure that it wouldn't start up again.

Finally, after half an hour, Sora felt the need to stand up and stretch. He watched Axel as he did this, wondering what the redhead was thinking. He felt guilty being coddled by him all the time, especially with the addition of this new problem.

"I'm sorry," he murmured, casting his gaze towards the carpet in shame. "You keep having to take care of me-"

"Sora, don't apologize for something like that," Axel responded quietly, giving the other man a gentle smile and beckoning for him again. Once they were securely pressed together once more, Axel sighed and kissed him a few times, messing with his ear. "It's not your fault. So don't apologize," he said, kissing all over his face.

Sora closed his eyes. "It's scary when you treat me so well," he grumbled, smiling and biting Axel's lip. "Maybe someday I can return the favor."

"You already give me what I need," the redhead scoffed. "But you know what I'm waiting for, so…"

At that, the brunet didn't feel like cuddling anymore. He slid away from Axel without a word and stood, knowing where the conversation was going. In just a fraction of a second, the whole atmosphere of the room changed.

"Don't bring this up again."

"You're not being fair," Axel insisted.

"Oh my god, you're such a broken record," he scoffed. "I don't have to be _fair_ by your standards."

"But it would help if you would be open with me."

"I don't have to though! And I don't want to be forced. Why the fuck do you think I started having anxiety attacks all the goddamn time, Axel!? This never happened before I started spending all of my time with you-!"

"Well I'm not trying to force you, I just want to help!"

Sora let out a bitter laugh, shaking his head and staring at the wall. "This conversation never goes anywhere, really," he muttered, still laughing. There were tears in his eyes, but he made no effort to wipe them away. He didn't care. He wanted Axel to know he was hurt. "You go around in circles, telling me the same thing every time. 'It's not fair. I want to help. I'm not trying to force you but you should just tell me even though you're obviously not ready.' This isn't helping, Axel, it's making it worse. Every time you pressure me, it makes it that much harder for me to prepare myself to tell you."

The redhead remained silent, clenching and unclenching his fists as he stared at Sora. They faced off like this for quite a stretch before the brunet had finally had enough. He sighed and walked to the bathroom without a word, getting in the shower and sitting in the tub to cry and bury his face in his knees. He hadn't wept so much or so often in his entire life, not even when he was a child. During his years in Vegas, it had come in short bursts, like a tiny storm, and then he would be drained again, but this wasn't the case with Axel. Everything became a deep wound, every emotion was intensified, and there was no escaping from all of the things swirling around inside of his head. His past was coming up to bite him more and more, and his skeletons were laughing and dancing around him, taunting. It was almost comical. Sora laughed.

The darkness inside of him had been magnified, he realized. Before Axel, it had been a distant thing, small and dense and filled with mystery. But the longer he spent with someone who cared about him and whom he cared about, the closer it all loomed. That little darkness had become an infinite maw, ready to swallow him with gnashing teeth at any moment. He didn't want to be engulfed and lose himself, not after he'd finally found something to hold onto. He breathed out and finally calmed down with those thoughts, standing on shaky legs and turning off the water. He left the bathroom still feeling raw and unhappy, but it was easier to face Axel with what resolve he'd managed to find.

The redhead was still sitting on the bed when he came out, drinking from his flask and staring at the wall. He looked up at Sora and waited, looking like a chastised dog.

With a sigh, the smaller man wandered over to him and took the flask out his hand, carefully setting it down before straddling him and pressing their lips together. He combed his hands through Axel's unruly mane as he kissed him, laughing as the redhead failed to stretch up far enough and whined at the interruption in contact.

"I'm sorry I keep pestering you," Axel murmured, running his hands down Sora's back, still slick with water from the shower. He paused at the edge of the towel around the smaller man's waist and smiled sheepishly. "Do you forgive me?"

Sora nodded breathlessly and unbuttoned Axel's pants, stroking cursorily before allowing his partner to pin him against the bed. After fighting, the kisses were always too hot, scorching Sora's skin in each and every place. It was the same with the way his partner's hands slid over him; it was too much. He became overstimulated so quickly he climaxed with almost no effort. It was so easy, after that, for Axel to prepare him. His body was already completely engrossed, and it accepted everything.

He was so limp and drained and relaxed by the time Axel entered him that he couldn't help but cling on tightly and press against the other man everywhere. He couldn't stop himself from slowing the redhead and taking over at a languorous pace, rolling his hips unhurriedly and watching as the other man gulped and shuddered underneath him. He was obviously dying to thrust up into him roughly to drive away the frustration, but he was definitely enjoying the teasing and the intoxication of Sora's pace.

They both became so lost, it ended rather quickly. They'd long since moved past the stage of feeling embarrassed, however, and enjoyed the moments following in a comforting silence, each in their own world.

It was so calm they both slipped to sleep without warning and awoke feeling refreshed for the first time in ages.

They smiled and flirted with each other all morning, and Sora thought that maybe things would be settled for awhile. Maybe it had finally clicked with Axel that if he just let things be, he would naturally come around to revealing himself. Maybe Axel was finally going to let him breathe.

He thought this the entire day, in a blissful haze, until Axel got drunk at the bar they'd been frequenting.

They'd taken to fumbling around with two man hustles, and it worked for them, because they'd reinforce the idea that they were just two drunk idiots goading each other on. It was all a show, usually. They'd make a big deal like they were lightweights and pound down four or five beers before challenging someone with loud voices and too much bravado. Axel would slur and shove Sora forward and they would play it up just enough to get everyone believing they were in for an easy win. Of course, they couldn't do this too many times in a row for fear of running into the same people, but unlike Joann's, the place they'd taken to hitting up every night in Reno had no regulars and was mostly full of the odd passing group of bikers. It was perfect.

And then, that night, Axel got utterly sloshed. Sora decided not to drink and instead sipped at ginger ale or water as he sat, but Axel was keeping his usual pace. It wasn't with just beer, however. He'd had 7 glasses of whiskey by the time Sora felt up to hustling someone. But before he could stand, Axel grabbed his arm and leaned towards him with an oddly seriously expression.

"Don't do it tonight, just stop. We can go back to the hotel…"

Sora furrowed his brow and glanced around, wondering if people had taken notice of their closeness. It obviously wasn't normal, and it was harder for Sora to be openly homosexual in a place where he didn't feel somewhat protected by his status as a prostitute. It made him feel edgy and vulnerable. He shook Axel off and gave him a curious look, shaking his head.

"Look," Axel sighed, slumping against the bar and draining his cup once more, "you don't have to do this. Maybe once you stop, it'll make things easier."

"You're being too vague," Sora said flatly, suspicious that it was going to come up again.

"Once you're not running on autopilot anymore you can organize your thoughts… and then you can tell me. It'll be faster if you just stop now-"

"I'm fucking done with you," Sora snapped, standing and walking away before the conversation could continue. 'God dammit,' he thought, clenching his fist hard, 'it was a mistake to think he'd finally learned something.'

Feeling his level of frustration rising, Sora picked a group of guys he normally wouldn't target to hustle. They looked like the rowdy, macho, hot-blooded type — certain to start a fight. He was itching for the challenge. He eyed them calmly as they took him in and chuckled to each other.

"You want a game, kid?" one of them asked.

Sora just nodded and slammed two bills onto the table. "This is my bet."

The guy laughed and shrugged, offering up two of his own and adding them to Sora's. "That's cute."

Sora ignored them, saving his ire for later. He smiled grimly as the other man smirked with unfounded confidence, and he played. For once, it wasn't an actual hustle, it was just a competitive game. They'd underestimated him all on their own, and he'd done nothing but exude confidence. He felt honest for the first time in his life. And he won, as usual. He collected and waited for anger, violence, anything. Instead, the bigger guy just seemed piqued. He grabbed Sora's wrist and said they should play again, offering up another four hundred to match what Sora had won in the original bet, and they racked up again.

This time, the guy played smarter, and took note of something important: Axel. He saw Sora glancing at him occasionally, and started making pointed comments to throw the smaller man off of his game. And much to Sora's chagrin, it worked. It didn't even take much to screw him up, just some minor teasing, but that was it. Sora lost. He handed over the money, waited for the guy to pocket it, and then smiled as he closed his eyes and held out a hand.

"Good game," he said calmly, waiting to shake the guy's hand…

And before he'd really given it thought, he felt something snap in his palm. He opened his eyes to take in the grossly misshapen finger before him, smiling in satisfaction. And he was only getting started. Laughing, he grabbed a pool ball and bashed the biker on his left cheek, sending him immediately to the floor. It happened so quickly that his friends couldn't even react, and the rest of the bar was still barely catching up. In the meantime, Sora tossed the bloody ball away and took out two of his buddies as they came at him. They were both shocked that someone so small could dole out so much damage, and ended up on the floor with their burly friend for their presumption.

But just as Sora was laughingly kneeing the last guy in the gut and shattering his cheekbone, he felt a pair of arms come around his waist and a familiar voice growl in his ear: "We need to go."

Sora took a moment to cool down, then, and glanced around. Everyone in the bar was quietly watching, looking terrified, and the owner was reaching for a phone, staring at he and Axel with trembling hands.

Sora glared at him and elbowed Axel away, heading for the exit without a single glance back. The redhead followed doggedly on his heels, shoving his keys into Sora's palm and eyeing him from his side.

"Sora-"

"Don't speak to me right now," Sora snapped, shoving him towards the car hard enough to send him stumbling. Before Axel could get angry, Sora started the engine and turned the radio on full blast, ignoring the other man's attempts to turn it down until they'd reached the hotel.

They checked out in much the same way as they'd left Vegas, shoving everything into their bags and heading out the door without looking back. They drove off silently until Axel asked Sora where they were going. At that he finally looked his partner in the eye and stopped the car, not sure what he wanted.

He didn't even know if he wanted to be with Axel anymore at that moment, though the thought of parting made his whole body ache. He stared at the other man and decided he'd let him choose this time. He couldn't be trusted with such things in his state.

Axel suggested gently that they should head towards Portland, and Sora didn't question it. He just drove.

After a few silent minutes on the highway, Axel finally brought up what had happened, obviously nervous about what Sora might do in response.

"I guess this is a stupid question," he muttered, scratching the back of his head as he eyed Sora warily, "but are you pissed at me?"

"Yes," Sora said curtly, gripping the steering wheel tighter.

"Explain to me why."

"You keep fucking trying to get into my head and I've made it damn clear that I don't want you in my head," Sora snapped, pounding on the dashboard in frustration. "I've explained this so many goddamn times. What the fuck do you want Axel? What!?"

"I want you to talk to me, like I did with you-"

"We've been over that! We've been over it so many times!"

"But I want to have a real relationship with you."

Sora shut his mouth with a snap, thinking that over with narrowed eyes. 'That's not fair… that's not fair at all, saying that to me…' he thought, sighing.

"Well I don't know what I want."

"Great."

They both went silent once more, each staring through the windshield with wide eyes. Finally, Sora spoke again, his voice trembling as the tears set in. 'Always crying,' he thought mirthlessly, gritting his teeth.

"You know, maybe I do know," he said, looking at Axel. "Maybe I want that too, but I don't know what the fuck to say, Axel. Maybe there's too much and it's too hard, and the more you pressure the harder it feels and the less secure I feel. If I have the space, and the freedom, and the fucking compassion to open up, then it will happen, but with you prodding like I'm some mental case you're horribly fascinated by, it just feels like I'm being forced into it. I want to start to tell you. I want a clean slate, but it's so… it doesn't feel right like this. I want it to be… natural. It won't be real, otherwise."

"I think you're making excuses," Axel said, ignoring Sora's hurt look as he cut him off. "I think you're making it harder for yourself and blaming it on me. The more I try to get you to open up, the more you shut yourself in because, the truth is, you don't want to talk about it. You don't want to take the chance of living a normal life, or being happy, or even just being okay. You don't know how to open up because you just want to wallow. It's easier that way because wallowing is so goddamn familiar for you. It's all you have. Like I said, you're on autopilot, and it's terrifying to you that if you let go and let me help you, you'll change. Everything will change. You're a coward."

Sora slammed his foot on the brakes, then, and veered off the road to a chorus of car horns and passing headlights. He immediately shut off the engine and threw the keys at Axel's crotch with deliberate force, ejecting himself from the car with pure anger and yanking his belongings with him.

Axel followed as he stomped away down the road. "Don't do this," he called, jogging to catch up to him. "Don't run away, Sora. You're only angry because I'm right-"

"I'm angry because you're a fucking asshole!" Sora yelled, turning and dropping his bag. "I'm angry because you don't know how hard this is for me." His tears were a deluge now, cutting down his face faster and faster. He dropped to his knees and sobbed into his hands, trying to yell more but unable to get anything coherent out until he raised his head. "You have no idea what happened to me," he cried, not fighting anymore as Axel pulled him close and petted down his hair. "You don't understand how hard it is. I don't want to think about it, Axel. I don't want to talk about it because I don't want to think about it. I don't want to live like this with all of these memories hitting me over and over. You're the only thing that's ever made me happy but you're also making everything so much worse. I'd rather be dead than feel like this."

"Don't ever say that to me," Axel grunted, pushing him back by the shoulders and staring with furrowed brows. "Don't ever give up completely. For fuck's sake, Sora, please. Stay with me. I'll leave it alone, I'll be patient even though it's hard, just stay. If this is what happens when I push you… I guess it's really time to stop. I don't ever want to see you so upset again, so I'll leave it. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. You told me… I'm sorry."

"Shut up," Sora sobbed, squeezing Axel closer and biting his collarbone hard. "Stop fucking talking and stop saying you'll stop and stop telling me you're sorry. It's all a lie. Every time. We've had this fight too many times."

"But this is different," Axel insisted, pulling him to his feet and grabbing his bag. "It's never been this bad. I'm sorry. I really am."

"Just shut up," Sora said again, shaking his head and weeping into his hands as he let himself be led back to the car. Axel was still too drunk to drive, so they laid in the back seat until Sora was sufficiently calm. Then, silently, they kissed almost angrily for a few minutes before getting back on the road. As they drove, they played Axel's tapes, but didn't speak. And the hush of the car was as pregnant as the abyss now flooding Sora's heart.

* * *

**End Notes:** Since I took an unnecessary amount of time to post chapter 5, I'm just gonna post this one now. I wrote it in like three hours just now, which is a lot longer than it usually takes. I wish I could say the quality improved because of it, but I'm actually a bit dissatisfied with some bits of this chapter. I simply could not find the right words sometimes. Haha. oh well.

ALSO, I know that I write sex in literally every chapter of this fic, but I want to stress that it's for a reason, and I'll let you suss that out on your own or take it as you will. Either way, if it's bothering you, just know that there is a genuine point to all of it aside from assuaging my perverted heart.


	7. Apply Some Pressure

**Warning:** Sex, drugs, violence. All the best things. A somber, pretentious atmosphere provided by this girl who thinks she's some kind of writer. Some weirdly gushy bits followed by some attempts at being funny. Song titles as chapter titles, as usual (because I haven't an original bone in my entire body). **TRIGGER WARNING:** rape, psychological abuse, and physical abuse. Please take note. Very important.

**Disclaimer:** I have no imagination, I came up with nothing.

**Title:** Apply Some Pressure by Maximo Park

**Jessica would like you to note:** Eyyyy. Thanks for the reviews my lovely readers. I'm loving the feedback. That's all I got right now.

* * *

**Apply Some Pressure**

After 4 hours of driving, Sora began fading out, so Axel insisted that they stop. It was just as well, because they were both feeling immensely awkward after their fight. Things weren't necessarily tense between them, but their feelings weren't just clicking back into place either.

So they stopped over at a hotel and slept the day away, waking up for dinner at a cafe down the street. They didn't talk much during the meal, and barely looked at each other, though Axel gently petted his hand at one point. Other than that brief contact, however, it seemed they were doomed to be lost each in their own world.

Sora didn't want to feel guilty, and he didn't want to blame Axel either, so he observed his sudden wariness towards the redhead from afar, trying to figure out how to dispel it without lashing out. He drew on the intimacy and tenderness he still held for the other man and considered how strong they'd been from the very start. 'Those feelings are far more important to me than this suspicion is, after all,' he thought, 'but it's impossible. I don't think we can go back to how we were so easily.' Sora knew, then, that he couldn't recover their relationship on his own. But he also knew there was still so much else wrong with them, and he didn't know what to say to make any of it right. He didn't know how to make himself talk, he didn't know how to open up. There was nothing he could do, and it was frustrating.

Axel was obviously feeling the same; the way he stabbed at his food was uncharacteristic, and his idle stare was much sharper than usual. Sora didn't think they were going to talk it out at all with the atmosphere between them, so he went back to the hotel without his partner, opening his box and looking inside for the first time in ages. He grabbed his money quickly, ignoring everything else inside that he still wasn't facing. 'Why do I keep it in this thing?' he wondered, peeling the rubber bands off of his rolls of cash. 'It's like I'm torturing myself on purpose.' He shrugged it off and began counting everything out with a sigh, realizing that it had been a long time since he'd done so. Thus, the result was shocking: he had well over 500 grand in cash. He supposed he shouldn't have been surprised considering the sheer number of bills and the pretty hefty size of his box, but it still hit him like a pile of bricks. All of that just from hustling and prostitution… But then he thought about it. Sometimes he would make up to $2000 a night if it went well. And he hardly ever spent anything other than small amounts on food and booze and clothes. Subtracting those things and what he insistently gave to Joann for her kindness, he'd probably been raking in $80 thousand a year. It was ridiculous to think that he could make so much from being so deplorable. He laughed a bit sadly and started re-banding his money, wondering why he didn't even care that he had so much. 'Isn't this supposed to make me happy?'

As he thought this, a pair of arms wrapped around his shoulders and Axel's chin landed on his head.

"You were counting it?" the redhead murmured, kissing Sora's hair.

Sora nodded and shoved the last roll of bills back into the box snugly, shutting it and sliding it across the bed. "It's actually a pretty ridiculous amount," he said quietly, grabbing Axel's hand and squeezing it. He was certain they were both acting that way only to reaffirm that they were going to stay together, despite all of the strange energy between them, but then Axel leaned around and began kissing him in earnest and he wasn't so sure anymore. The other boy seemed pretty genuinely enthralled again, though Sora couldn't be certain where that was coming from.

"I'm sorry," Axel murmured, resting his forehead on Sora's shoulder. "I'm so sorry."

The brunet knew he was apologizing for the previous night, and sighed, ignoring the irritation that rose up in his stomach. He turned to Axel and gave him a look for just a minute before kissing him quickly on the lips. "I forgive you… again."

Axel smiled a little, but made no comment. That worried Sora, honestly. Normally the redhead would be quick to make a little joke, or lightheartedly brush everything aside in one quick sentence, but he was completely silent, for once. It felt wrong. It felt like a lie.

Trying desperately to push away the trepidation mounting inside, Sora started gathering everything together so they could get back on the road. Axel was doing the same but took a little longer, so he handed Sora his keys and told him he'd meet him in the car as the brunet went to stick his bag in the backseat. He was about to slide into the passenger seat and wait for his partner, but realized after a moment that he'd left a few important things. He couldn't be certain Axel would get them, so he headed back to the room in a slight jog. However, as he approached the door and started unlocking it, he heard Axel's voice on the other side, which was incredibly unusual. He knew the guy didn't talk to himself, so it could only mean he was on the phone with someone. But Sora had been under the impression there was no one for him to call. Plus, the fact that they were in some random hotel meant that Axel had to have been the one to call first, and Sora found that suspicious all on its own. 'Why couldn't he call them in front of me? Or tell me about them at all?' he thought, pausing where he was and pressing his ear against the door.

"…no, it'll be some time… yeah… Well, please, I promise he's not shady… okay… yeah, tell him I said hi too… alright… bye." There was a click and a sigh, then the muffled sounds of him packing up once more. And though Sora intended to go in and confront Axel at that moment, he was frozen in place. He was afraid. 'Does this mean he hasn't… been honest with me?' he wondered, staring at the chipping off-white paint on the door and shaking his head.

Before he could process everything and go inside to do anything about it, the door swung open to reveal a surprised Axel. He furrowed his brow at Sora for just a moment, then watched as the smaller boy finally made eye contact with him.

"Uhh… did you come back for this?" Axel asked, holding up what Sora had left.

The brunet nodded slowly, then took it and started walking back towards the car, still lost in thought. He remained in that state even as Axel went to check them out, and barely snapped out of it as the redhead started the car and pulled out.

"Hey, Axel?" he said quietly, flipping his knife open and closed to keep calm. "Who were you on the phone with?"

The color drained from Axel's face, then, as he glanced over at Sora and what he was doing with his hands. "Sora-"

"Please tell me, Axel. Because I feel like I've been lied to, here, and I'm not sure how to react to that."

They both went silent for a moment, then the redhead sighed and shook his head, clutching the wheel a bit tighter. "It wasn't anything important."

"Well come now, that's not being _fair_ is it Axel."

"This and that are two _very_ different things, Sora."

"But there's obviously something important going on that you don't want to tell me, or something in your life that you've decided to hide from me. I already feel wary about all of this, so it doesn't help when you do things that make me even more suspicious."

"Oh, so now you have the right to berate me about not sharing things? Really?"

Sora closed his mouth for a moment, thinking that over.

"Well I guess you're right, and you're obviously not going to tell me, which is cute after all the time you spent giving me shit about not telling you things."

"Maybe I decided to finally give you equal treatment. You know, even out the relationship."

"What the fuck, Axel?" Sora grumbled. "I just want to know what's going on. I feel like I'm somehow involved here, so it's only fair. This is different than sharing a story from my past."

"Okay," Axel muttered, sighing and pushing a stray bit of hair out of his eyes with a frustrated flick. "I know some people in Portland, which is why we're headed there. The end."

"Great, and you don't want to share any details about that?"

"I wanted it to be a surprise…" Axel said quietly, his voice drained of energy. "I wasn't trying to hide things, really, I just… wanted to show, not tell. It's important."

Sora was struck by the sudden display of emotion and promptly went silent, feeling kind of like a dick. 'It's not entirely my fault,' he reasoned, glancing at Axel contritely.

"Sorry," he said after some time, putting his hand on Axel's knee.

The redhead nodded and grabbed his hand, kissing his knuckles. "I'm sorry too. All we do lately is spew hateful words at each other, and I think I'm to blame."

"No, Axel-"

"Really, Sora," he interrupted, looking over at the brunet. "More than you know, I think it's my fault."

Sora felt uneasy all over again as he processed those words, but realized that it all had to have something to do with why they were going to Portland, and what would happen afterwards.

He sat and silently contemplated everything all over again, starting from the beginning. It was hard to take in. So much had changed already, for both of them, and even more was going to change in the future. And looking back, he was starting to think that Axel may have been right about his fear of change. He'd fought his attraction to the redhead from the start, fought his impulse to let go, fought the opportunities he'd been given. There was always something holding him back, and it was more than his past. It was fear.

Realizing that was liberating all on its own, but Sora still couldn't say he was completely ready to open up to Axel. He decided that it was more important to settle things between them first. He needed to know what Axel wasn't telling him, and he needed to feel like things were being done on his terms. Having a plan in that regard settled his heart, finally, and he was able to relax for the first time in days. He cherished the lulling motion of the car and the road noises, letting his hand hang out the window to catch the wind. And before he knew it, his brain shut itself down.

He didn't wake up for hours. In fact, he must have been supremely exhausted when he'd fallen asleep because what woke him wasn't the car stopping, or even Axel's arms hoisting him out, but the gentle hum of two voices just a few feet from him, buzzing just enough to irritate him out of his slumber. He rustled around a bit and groaned, wondering why the car was suddenly so comfortable and soft and full of pillows, and why there was someone else in the car with them. Then he snapped awake as he gained his bearings and realized that he was, in fact, not in Axel's old car anymore, but an unfamiliar, and shockingly middle class bedroom.

He sat up and looked down at the comforter he'd been tucked under, marveling at how white it was. He felt like he was going to stain it just being in its vicinity. However, more pressing than downy duvets was the issue of his location, and, furthermore, who it belonged to. The house was obviously not a place Axel could be associated with… or so he thought. Then he frowned, realizing that that was the only option and wondering what exactly was going on.

He turned his attention, then, to the voices. They were coming from just outside a slightly cracked door. Sora could just make out Axel's profile through that crack, his usual gesturing and over-emphasized head motions drawing his gaze. He snickered, then took a moment to make out what they were saying. He didn't mean to eavesdrop (again), but he figured it might save him some time.

"He's really skinny, Lee."

The voice that spoke was female (or at least Sora thought it was a female voice), but he wasn't sure what third party that person was addressing. He hadn't registered a third person in the conversation. 'I was half asleep, though,' he thought, shrugging it off. He listened a little longer, trying to divine who this "Lee" person was.

"It's not like I'm abusing him," Axel grumbled, responding to the first person's voice.

'Okay but who is Lee?' Sora thought again, frustrated by the lack of clarification.

"I know, I know," the other person said quickly. "I'm not comparing you to your father. I'm just saying… he looks like he needs taking care of, and I don't know that you're the one to do that right now hon."

Sora frowned, still trying to figure out what was happening. Out of impatience, he gave up on his eavesdropping and stood, palming the door open to see who was talking. To his surprise, there were only two people: Axel, and a tall, pretty redhead who looked quite a bit like him. She turned and gave a flustered smile, holding out her hand to shake.

"Oh you're awake!" she said warmly, touching his shoulder as she gripped his hand. She was obviously used to comforting people. Sora immediately liked her. "I'm Lynn. I'm Lee's aunt. He already explained to me that he's been awful," she gave Axel an accusatory but gentle look, and pinched his cheek, "and hasn't told you anything about us, but I hope you don't feel uncomfortable here. We can work out the kinks later, but I'd like you to stay for as long as you want. Okay?"

Sora stared at her, open-mouthed and befuddled, slowly letting his features fall into an easy smile. It was somewhat genuine (most of his expressions had become more unguarded during his time with Axel) but there was something clicking together in his brain that made his lips quiver ever so slightly. Fortunately, Lynn didn't seem to notice, and smiled back as Sora nodded and thanked her profusely. They exchanged a few more pleasantries and then bade each other goodnight quickly, both ignoring Axel and reentering the rooms they'd come from.

Axel followed immediately after Sora, shutting the door quietly as they reentered what the brunet was starting to suspect was his partner's room.

He turned and crossed his arms once they were both inside, something in the pit of his stomach dropping. Whatever was going on, the unveiling wasn't going to be pleasant. Axel seemed to think so too as he sunk down on the bed and gave Sora a profoundly apologetic look. Then, he began his story.

* * *

**End Notes:** Lea's aunt is based quite heavily on mine. c: She's basically my favorite relative. Also, the whole spelling of "Lea/Lee" is filtered through Sora's brain, so he's hearing the more common spelling. I know that's not how it's spelled and it will be handled in the next one. ^-^


End file.
